Sorry for the lapse in Valentine recap's. I ended up working wicked late on VDay (and the obviously all of my co-workers opted for an obligatory post-work bar trip (don't worry, I'm still making good on my no booze, I just drank water with lime and kicked ass in darts)). Then, I ended up picking up an extra shift last night. Oh and to top it off, there's been some serious drama in my life that's preempted my FH enjoyment, but I've got a few moments, so here goes.
So much Valentiney "goodness." Can you handle it?!?!? We open on Michelle's fug class, where Joey and Mrs. Carruthers are coming in to tell them that because they sold the most candy bars for a fundraiser they are being treated to a Valentine's Day party. Michelle's teacher not-so-subtly inquires as to whether or not Joey will be in attendance for the party.
Lisa, the scary bitch child, declares that they must all have dates for the Valentine's party and assigns boyfriends and girlfriends to everyone in the class. She claims Derek as her man in a scary Amazonian way and assigns Michelle and Teddy and Aaron with Sophia. Who? That girl looked way too familiar to me, and I had to totally google that shit (seriously, what did we do before the internet and google? Just sit around and let unknown names/faces/facts bug the shit out of us?). I had figured she was in something else, but apparently her name is Fiona Landers and she's a folk singer who I most likely recognize from VH1 Artists You Oughta Know or "Grey's Anatomy" or something. Hey, where's Denise? She just disappeared! Aaron tells Sophia not to wear anything trampy and Whoa! FH, that was pretty racy.
Danny is trying to plan his first Valentine's Day with Claire (Claire as in Gia's mom, not Danny's mother). He's getting advice from Jesse, aka Mr. Romance, about how to make it special. Jesse lists various cliched activities of Valentine's past (though strangely enough doesn't mention the hay ride through San Fran in season two (which I just recapped below). Unfortunately one of the activities listed was a VDay spent holding hands walking across the Golden Gate Bridge sipping champagne (My guess? Korbel!) to which Becky replies "That wasn't me." Ouch, busted!
Becky inquires as to what romantic plans Jesse has planned for this Valentine's Day and he brushes her off saying that Danny needs help wooing Claire whereas him and Becky are an old married couple who are way past the point of woo.
Michelle goes to D.J. for boyfriend advice. Her and Teddy proceed to act really annoying doing things they think boyfriends and girlfriends are supposed to do. She sends him home to call her. Meanwhile, a bunch of gifts from a secret admirer are pouring in for Joey. Ugh, who would want Joey as their Valentine. He figures it's just Mrs. Carruthers, but it's not like she makes her lust a secret (thought we wish she would).
Jesse has come up with the perfect Valentine's Day plans... for Danny and Claire. He goes on and on and Becky is miffed that he's wasted all his time and energy planning romance for someone else. Stephanie is walked home by some mullet-y kid who carries her bag. He says he wishes she wasn't so smart because all of her books are heavy. She reveals that she brought her rock collection in for science class and that was a weird bit. I guess they needed to give Stephanie a storyline.
Teddy calls and Michelle tells him to come back over. He does and she tells him he can't thumb wrestler her and has to do things like carry her books, and Teddy declares that being a boyfriend sucks and promptly breaks up with her. Michelle tells him he has a bad attitude and pleads with him to stay with her "for the children." God Michelle's an idiot.
D.J. and Kimmy come into Michelle and Stephanie's room to return a flannel D.J. had borrowed and happen upon a melancholy Michelle. Literally, nothing in this world makes me happier than a sad Olsen. She destroys all potential sympathy anyone may have possibly had for her when she asks D.J. for advice because she gets dumped all the time. D.J. corrects Michelle that she is the one who does the dumping. Michelle says either way, she's always home alone on a Saturday night. And seriously, what a little shit. At this point I would have walked out, but for some reason D.J. stays to give Michelle advice.
Eventually Becky and Stephanie file in with their own man troubles and it essentially turns into a big ol' man bashing fest. Bo-ring!
Down in the kitchen, Becky flips out on Jesse for his lack of romance, and his response? You need some fresh air. She keeps on ranting, as Jesse leads her outside where there's a hot air balloon stocked with red roses and champagne waiting for them. Jesse says something reeking of awesomeness, that every time Becky wakes up next to him, he falls in love all over again. Aww. Do you think it was awkward since Stamos and Lori Loughlin used to date in real life? I wish the show brought them back together, because I think those two crazy kids might have had a shot at love (with Tila Tequila).
We're at Michelle's class' Valentine's Day party. The girls are separated on one side of the room with the boys on the other. Their teacher encourages them all to dance, and the girls stalk their male prey. Lisa frightens the fuck out of me. I hate kids like her. Naturally, the newly single Michelle and Teddy are left sitting alone. They eventually talk and renew their friendship and dance and blah blah boring, I hate Michelle.
Joey meanwhile, goes to confront Mrs. Carruthers about all of her gifts and Secret Admirer nonsense. She mistakes his returning of gifts as gifts for her, until they clarify that she was not his admirer. She's about to jump his bones until Joey busts out his master diversion: telling Mrs. C he just saw Willard Scott in a thong. And may I say, "Ugh!"? Whenever I hear the name Willard Scott, I automatically think of all of the nonsensical rambling clips they play on "The Soup."
After Mrs. C runs off, Joey's left with Michelle's teacher, Mrs. Ullman (call her Cindy!) who reveals herself to be his secret admirer. Loser. They flirt and make promises of future dates, but as most FH romantic devices, it will fizzle out before anything ever comes to fruition and will never be mentioned past this episode.