I don't know what sort of drug-induced coma I was in for the majority of Season Four, but I at least managed to catch the most important episodes of the season:the two-parter of Jesse and Rebecca's wedding. I'll catch the rest of the episodes I missed on the next go 'round.
We open with Ug (and seriously, like who else do they ever open on?) practicing for her role as flower girl in Jesse and Becky's wedding. She's wasting an entire box of tissues, pissing off Danny all the while.
Stephanie is toting around a camcorder as her and D.J. document "The Making of a Wedding." D.J. is hosting and taking all of the credit for the video until Stephanie points out that it's a joint wedding gift and insists upon getting some props. D.J. does so grudgingly, and Stephanie also attempts to get some face time by turning the camera back on herself for a bit until D.J. yanks her away to continue filming the behind the scenes wedding drama.
Becky tells Michelle that her sister Connie and nephew Howie are back in town for the wedding. She reminds her that they were best friends, but Michelle's not feeling Howie. She better get over it soon because they're going to be roomies this weekend! Are they too young to be playing doctor? Should Danny be concerned about this co-ed cohabitation? Connie is being played by the same actress as before who was also recycled as Stephanie's messy dance teacher Karen. In Michelle and Howie's shared room, they begin arguing. Just wait til they get to the make up sex. I keed, I keed, that would be disgusting... and logistically impossible. Danny tries on his tux and his pants are too short and Becky starts freaking out. Joey comes up from trying his tux on in his room and it's much too long. Chillax Becky, they just got their pants switched.
Becky's parents are also in town (naturally), and are coming to the Tanner's to meet Jesse for the first time. Wait, what? They've been together for HOW long? If I was seeing someone, I think I'd make sure that they meet my parents sometime prior to the weekend of our wedding. Becky's father comes in through the front door all in a tizzy because apparently on the way over, he was cut off by a "hoodlum in black leather" on a motorcycle. Jesse storms through the kitchen entrance ranting about a "walnut driving 6 miles per hour." They realize immediately that they were talking about each other and I really can't believe that they never met prior to the wedding! Ridiculous!
The Donaldson's move into the kitchen where they happen upon Danny and Joey, both without pants on. Danny weakly explains that they had to switch pants because they got their tuxes confused, but the Donaldson's still look pretty appalled. Becky starts freaking out and Jesse has to calm her down. They kiss as D.J. narrates, "The last kiss before the big 'I do.' A moment to be treasured... I'm D.J. Tanner." Ha! They both turn and look at D.J. pointedly and that was pretty awesome.
Howie's in his jammies pretending he's a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. He threatens the heads of Michelle's Barbies and she gets pretty pissed.
Mr. D goes to have a talk with Jesse and tells him to call him Kenneth. Among many things, he tells Jesse how he too used to be a wild man on the rodeo circuit before he settled down for married life. Mr. D also scores an excellent barb here by telling him that he wears clothes that should be wallets. Bwah! He tells Jesse that it's about time for him to hang up his spurs and settle down. Early the next morning, Jesse tells Joey how marriage means no more adventures and that if he has any doubts he shouldn't walk down the aisle.
It's 7AM on Valentine's Day, 3 hours prior to the wedding. He's taking Joey with him to an undisclosed location. Eventually the rest of the family stirs and realizes that Jesse and Joey are missing.
Cut to Jesse and Joey seated in an airplane with Jesse suited up to skydive. His last words to Joey are that if anything should happen to him on this adventure, then he wants him to marry Becky. With that, Jesse leaps from the plane and Joey looks on with horror as he realizes that Jesse has jumped without his... mousse.
The family is gathered at the church with the girls wearing their peach nightmares of bridesmaid dresses. Michelle spies Howie in his tux and proclaims him to be a "hunk." If the crib's a rockin'... ugh, I've just thoroughly disgusted myself. Danny's spreading the word that the groom is missing and everyone is relieved when Joey shows up. But there's a look of panic across Joey's face when he realizes that Jesse has yet to make it to the church. Cut to Jesse stuck in a tree. Ruh Roh! And so ends part one...
Ugh, for some reason, recapping duties for part two falls on the shoulders of Ug. Why do they do this to me?
Picking up where we left off, Jesse's parachute has left him caught in and hanging from a tree. A tomato truck takes notice of him and stops to offer a hand. Problem is, the driver figures he can get Jesse down in 2-3 hours. Obviously that sort of time frame isn't going to work out for the Jess man and he unclips his release and free-falls into the massive amounts of tomatoes in the back of the truck.
Tomato truck driver is PISSED, especially when Jesse casually suggests that he make ketch-up out of the squashed tomatoes. What Jesse doesn't know is that he's in "Tomato Country" and telling someone to "go make ketch-up" is the equivalent of telling them to fuck themselves... I think. To make matters worse, Jesse attempts to steal the tomato truck and make a getaway, but as he gets inside, a cop pulls up. Busted!
D.J. and Stephanie are still filming away at the church. Methinks this isn't something that Becky's going to want to relive. They interview a hungry Joey and also manage to get Becky's concerned yet furious words for Jesse. Danny's on the phone trying to track down Jesse and finally Jesse calls... from Tomato Country prison. Becky borrows her father's car keys to go bail her man out of the slammer.
She shows up livid and wondering why in the hell he chose the morning of their wedding to jump out of the plane. When he explains why he wanted to have one last adventure, she tells him that marriage is going to be the greatest adventure and that they can try new and exciting things together. They kiss and the cop is so touched, he drops the charges on account of it being Valentine's Day.
They run outside just in time to see Mr. Donaldson's car towed. Wow is he going to be PISSED! They manage to get a ride on a bus carrying a gospel choir who recognize Becky from WUSF. They're so star-struck they even let her drive the bus. Man, I hope she's licensed to do that. Then I remember she's from Nebraska, so she probably is. The choir sings during the drive and when they pull up to the church they file in behind Jesse and Rebecca.
Finally it's time for the wedding. Michelle begins her flower girl procession and runs out of rose petals halfway down the aisle. You suck! You suck! You suck! We don't even get to see D.J. and Stephanie walk down the aisle, and I'm assuming it's because Jesse didn't have any ushers and they didn't want to address that.
It's vow time and rather than recite pretty words, Jesse does his in song. Oh yes, it's time for "Forever." ["If every word I said, could make you laugh, I'd talk forever..." I could go on and do the whole thing, and you know that you could too!] The music swells as the gospel choir chimes in and I must confess, it sounds great. Over the musical interlude, they play a photo montage of the two actors as babies, then children, teens, and ends with some of Jesse & Becky's classic romantic moments. It's actually a pretty nice touch.
Back to the wedding, Becky has joined Jesse on the piano bench and sings the final verse in "Forever" with him. Aww, I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Jesse Katsopolis.
Because of the time lapse due to Jesse's temporary incarceration, they lost the hall for the wedding reception so it's being held at the Tanner's house. I can't even believe that they weren't just planning to have it there from the get-go. D.J. busts Michelle eyeing the cake in the kitchen and tells her to back off. Ug quips that she's "just looking" and man I wish D.J. would backhand her monkey-faced ass.
Time for the first dance as man and wife. Jesse and Becky preface their selection by explaining that he wanted to select an Elvis song and Becky preferred a ballad, and I call shenanigans because Elvis had ballads. Hello? "Can't Help Falling in Love" is one of my all-time favorites! How could they overlook this perfect solution to their quandary? Instead, Jesse launches into a slow ballad-y version of "Jailhouse Rock" until Becky tells them to hit it, and everyone rocks out. Unfortunately, "everyone" also includes Howie and Michelle who do some stupid kid dance that some may find "cute."
There's a montage of scenes from the reception including cutting the cake and shoving it in each other's faces. Time for a segue rant. I absolutely abhor the tradition of smashing cake into the bride or groom's face. I just think it's gross and shows a great amount of disrespect to do that to someone you're supposed to love and be partners with. I just find it to be very low-brow and trashy. My sister and mom feel the same way. Maybe we're just snobs, but I don't think I'm alone here.
D.J. catches the bouquet and years were just removed from Danny's life. Michelle catches the garter, and I think it's always a small child who catches it because it's hilariously inappropriate. Becky and Jesse change clothes and ride off on Jesse's harley to celebrate their honeymoon. Aww yay, Just Married.