"I'm in the house and I'm still in the car" or Honey I Broke the House (3.20)

To complete my hat trick for this truly Super Tuesday, I leave you with my pal Lisa's favorite FH episode, the one where Stephanie crashes the car into the house. Enjoy.

Joey's playing wiffleball in the backyard with UgTot who's moronic ass doesn't know how to run the bases. Joey tells her to run home and she runs inside the house. Stupid ass. I hate lame puns. You've just cheapened the entire experience of this episode for me, writers! Thanks a lot!

D.J. is up in her room doing homework with Kimmy, sharing headphones and listening to Milli Vanilli. They break into occasional bursts of "Blame it on the rain, yeah-ee-yeah!" Stephanie comes in wanting to play a game with the girls. She gets rebuffed and makes a few more desperate pleas for attention from D.J. and Kimmy, and eventually gives up. She tries her luck with Danny and Becky, but they are too busy working on their next episode of WUSF. She finds Jesse and tries to tell him a story about her day, but he's already heard it.

Now scoring 0-3, Stephanie goes to her last resort, Joey. He's out back working on his brand new used car, Rosie. He notices that Rosie has a knick in the paint and asks Stephanie to watch over the car while he runs to the store for some touch-up paint.

Stephanie sits inside the car and is playing pretend driver, and decides that she wants to listen to some music while she's in there. So, she turns the car on. Because Stephanie's apparently afflicted with the same brand of stupid that Michelle is, she thinks that the R standing for reverse means radio. Um, okay. You know I love me some Steph, but seriously? She's like 8 and doesn't know that the radio is controlled by the dials in the middle console.

Time for my (not so) random segue of the recap!: This kind of reminds me of a story that happened between two of my co-workers a week or two ago. We'll call them Scuba and Chops. Scuba moved into Chops' house and after about a week, it was clear that it was a bad idea. They sometimes get along but more often than not, annoy the piss out of each other. But, Scuba and Chops went out to eat and drink at our neighboring restaurant. And although Chops hadn't had all that much to drink, he has a pretty well-documented history of drug use. Anyway, so Chops has a few drinks and gets himself to the point of passing out onto the table in this fine dining restaurant. This type of behavior can get us fired, so Scuba was kind enough to pick Chops up and carry him out to his car to wait while Scuba and his ladyfriend finished their meals and drinks [Side note: Chops doesn't have a car of his own]. Before he left, Chops asked Scuba to turn the radio on in the car. And because Scuba is a moron, he did and left Chops in the car, drunk almost to the point of unconsciousness, along with his keys in the ignition. He went back into the restaurant and when he came back out, obviously his car was gone, taken by the drunken madman. And because Scuba is really the biggest idiot ever, he proceeded to call a cab, NOT call the cops on his drunk roommate joyriding in his car around town, and got drunk in our bar whilst waiting for the cab. He never even yelled at Chops for this incident. He is like the biggest pussy ever.

Anyway so Stephanie puts the car into reverse and backs it through the kitchen window. Maybe it's different in older cars, but in every car I've ever driven you need to push down the brake pedal to change gears, and there's no way Stephanie would have been able to reach the pedal and hold it down while shifting. But, again, I'm kind of cranky and might be nitpicky and certainly don't have a vast knowledge of the mechanics of an older automobile.

D.J. and Kimmy are still doing homework but are now listening to and singing Paula Abdul's "Straight Up Now Tell Me" (is it gonna be you and me forever? Oh oh oh!)(Sorry, I totally used to rock out to "Shut Up and Dance"). Michelle tells D.J. that there's a car in the house but because Michelle's an idiot, D.J. gives her the brush-off. Stephanie packs a suitcase and we hear a horn honk, it's her ride to dance class.

Later, D.J. and Kimmy venture down to the kitchen for a snack and finally see the car. Their reaction? "Whoa baby!" D.J. asks how Joey's car got into the kitchen and Michelle answers, "Through the window." I almost laugh. Almost. Jesse comes in carrying groceries that obscure his vision, but when he sees the car he says (what else?) "Have mercy!"

Danny comes home through the front door and calls out "Where is everybody?" Kimmy, forever the queen of tact and finesse quips, "In your new garage!" Danny comes in and despite the initial shock, he makes sure that everyone is uninjured and I've got to say, he's taking it fairly well. I mean, there's a freaking car in his kitchen! Finally he asks where Joey is.

Becky is in her apartment and there's a knock on the door. It's Stephanie. She had her carpool drop her off so that she could say goodbye. Stephanie doesn't get a chance to explain what she did that's causing her to run away because then Jesse arrives at the door. He's bearing roses and an apology for being a douche earlier about Becky having lunch with some guy. Stephanie hides in the closet and Jesse thinks it's that McIntire guy that Becky was supposed to go out with. He pulls open the door to reveal Stephanie hiding in a large trench coat that's hanging on the door. He asks what she's doing here and she again goes for the cheap pun of "Just hanging around." Man, the writers didn't really work their brains too hard with this episode, did they? She tells Jesse and Becky about crashing the car into the house and they convince her to go home and face Danny.

Back at the Tanner's Joey comes home with his touch-up paint, completely oblivious to the new location of his precious Rosie. Thankfully he's met by UgTot with one of her obnoxious trademarked catchphrases: "You're in big trouble, mister." Somebody slap her! Stephanie comes home and confesses to everyone what she did and apologizes profusely. The irony of the situation? Joey reveals that the radio didn't even work! Ha! I'll forgive the writer's for those cheap jokes earlier for that delicious plot twist.

Stephanie launches into a long self-deprecating speech about hating herself and banishing herself under her covers until she's married. Danny gently points out that she may have some difficulty finding a spouse under there. She acknowledges that she's in for a big time punishment because she wrecked Joey's car and broke the house. Danny tells her that even though she will be punished, the car and the house can be fixed but there's only one Stephanie Judith Tanner and she can't ever be replaced and that's something he thinks about every day. Stephanie tells her Dad that she loves him and we close on a warm fuzzy home with a gaping hole that will be fixed by the next episode and never heard from again.