"Who wanted to talk to him?" or Three Men and Another Baby (3.22)

Sobriety has like restored my energy. Who knew that by not drinking I could wake up before noon? Plus, I've been working on a bunch of new art projects... damn, why didn't I cut back on boozing sooner? Plus, now I can do more blogging!

Another nauseating UgTot-centric opening. This time it's Joey betting Michelle a kiss that he can make a flower dance. It's one of those dancing flowers that move when you play music or make noise near them. Naturally he wins the bet and goes to collect his kiss. Ew.

Danny meanwhile, is in the kitchen unaware of the budding pedophilia transpiring in the living room. Apparently it's Friday, which is "Mop 'til you Drop" day and Danny has managed to mop himself into a corner. He's sitting atop the kitchen counter.

Comet's being a bad puppy and is in desperate need of some obedience school. The neighbors need the Tanner's to baby-sit their son Tony, and it looks like the same parents that D.J. sat for when she was trying to earn money for her own phone. Becky is cooking dinner for the family, which should be interesting. Even though Danny was the one who agreed to sit for Tony, he leaves to take Comet to obedience school, saddling Jesse & Joey with the task of baby-sitting. I was about to argue about how unfair that was, until I remembered that J&J are mooches living under Danny's roof. If he needs them to scrub the skidmarks out of his undies, they better do it and do it with a smile. Not that Danny Tanner ever has skidmarks in his underwear, Danny Tanner knows how to wipe!

Joey goes to help D.J. with her math homework, leaving Jesse and Becky to look after Tony. Helping with D.J.'s homework is a lot like when I help my BFF do his math homework; I pretty much do it all while he talks on the phone to Kimmy Gibbler. It's some word problem about nuts (Hee!)

Baby Tony, meanwhile, has taken an immediate liking to Uncle Jesse. They put him down for a nap in Michelle's old crib and Jesse serenades him with "Goodnight My Love," a lullaby formerly popularized during Michelle's bedtimes. UgTot is getting totally depressed and emo about being neglected by Jesse and my heart swells with glee. Sad Michelle=Happy Milkman.

Becky's cooking something fierce for dinner, some sort of spicy chicken and pasta dish.

And now Michelle's annoying levels skyrocket off of the charts. She starts acting like a (bigger) baby to try and get attention from Jesse. Seriously, I can't even get into all of the annoying shit that she does because my Michelle hatred knows no bounds in this episode. Becky suggests that Jesse try to reward her for "big girl behavior" and I say, why not just punish the little ho?

Joey attempted to answer the word problem by calling the nut store (Hee! Also, are there strictly nut stores? I've never seen like a nut emporium...) He comes to D.J. thinking he's got everything figured out, but she already got the answer by calling her school's Homework Hotline for help. Luckily for Joey, she's got a whole 'nother set of word problems for Joey to do, instructing him to make sure to show all of his work.

Jesse goes to D.J. and Steph for suggestions of big girl rewards for their horribly fugly bratty sister, and they attempt to give away one another's toys. D.J. tries to sell her on Mr. Bear, whereas Stephanie campaigns for Michelle to select D.J.'s Pillow Person. We can all tell that Stephanie's about to get the short end of this deal because Mr. Bear is the shit, and who the fuck would want a crappy Pillow Person? Poor Stephanie, obviously Michelle takes Mr. Bear and how can they even ask her to part with him especially after the time Michelle hid him and Stephanie was totally distraught.

UgTot continues to act like a complete and total shithead baby. Stephanie calls shenanigans on the whole ordeal and insists that Mr. Bear be returned because Michelle isn't upholding her part of the deal of being a big girl. She refuses. HATE! How is it possible to hate a fictional toddler so fucking much?

Danny comes home with Comet from obedience school and is notified of the Michelle issue. He tells them that they just need to talk to her like a big girl. Yeah right, Danny, like that idiot would understand. Michelle whines that Jesse "likes Tony better than [her]" and it's just like, well yeah duh, who wouldn't? Jesse has a stupid talk about being a big girl with Ug and there's giggles, kisses and hugs and I just died a little on the inside. Finally, Michelle returns Mr. Bear to Stephanie and for some reason, Stephanie's all thankful and says "Oh Michelle, I love you so much." Whatever. That little shit was going to keep him! If I was Steph I would have just marched in there and seized Mr. Bear back. Look how much bigger you are than her! Those Olsen's must have worked some voodoo on the writers to have this kind of bullshit dialogue.

Ug exclaims "Everybody loves me!" and like fucking really? Really? More like nobody loves you. God, that's annoying. Michelle and Tony are lyk super kewl BFFs now, and man, Tony's a chubby baby.