Tuesday, February 5, 2008

"What's a hug compared to the joy of opening one's wallet?" or Those Better Not Be the Days (3.19)

This is hands down one of my favorite FH episodes only for the amazing dream sequence of what the Tanner household would be in the future if the girls remain selfish brats... but I'm getting ahead of myself.

We kick off with another creepy Jesse and Michelle segment. He's attempting to teach her her left from her right in a "hilarious" dialogue that's attempting to achieve a "Who's on first?" type of humor. It doesn't work. Not that "Who's on first?" is all that funny anyway, but maybe I'm just a cynic.

D.J. and Stephanie barge in in a cloud of brattiness, getting ready to go to the amusement park with the Gibbler's. D.J. apparently demanded that Danny clean and press her sweater, but upon receiving it, she crams it into her backpack. Joey got Stephanie's camera ready for the day, loaded with a brand new roll of film, and at the last moment she decides not to bring it. Jesse comes into the room with a map of the park with all of the best attractions mapped out for them. The girls only have one ride in mind and Jesse sadly crumbles the map he spent all day marking up for them. I'm already seething at the girls' selfish brattiness, and it bothers me because they never normally act like this. It's totally inconsistent to their characters. MICHELLE is the brat! Come on, people!

Unfortunately it's raining, so the amusement park is a no-go. Kimmy managed to piss of her parents and has been grounded to the Tanner's house. If I didn't enjoy Kimmy's presence, I'd comment on the ballsiness of the Gibblers, but whatevs.

Jesse and Becky had planned to have a romantic picnic, but the rain forced them to relocate to inside. Jesse tries to suggest moving the picnic to Becky's apartment, but Stephanie butts in and tells them to have it here. And better yet, do it in her room and she'll join them! I think one of my biggest beefs with this show is the fact that these grown ass men bend to every whim of some bratty kids. I mean, hello? You're an adult, fucking act like it. I'll be damned if I ever let a snot-nosed brat control my life. I mean, yeah, when you have kids they're a priority, but you still need to be the one laying down the law and setting the rules. No way my kids will be running around all willy nilly and interrupting my sexytime picnics! No way, no how.

D.J. then turns to Danny and demands that he bring her and Kimmy to the movies. Instead of calling her on her rudeness then and there, he agrees and then complains about it later. As much as I do agree that the girls are being total bitches, the guys act like spineless pussies and just take all of their abuse. Again, see above sentiment and assert yourself as the fucking adult in this situation. Sorry for the rant, but I just hate ineffective parenting. Maybe I'll sing a different tune when I have kids myself, but most likely not. I'll always be the HBIC (TM New York).

Joey gets off easy playing hide and seek with Michelle. I say easy only because there's less demanding due to limited vocabulary, but he does have to look at her ugly mug, which is punishment enough. Danny returns with D.J. and Kimmy who are chastising him for the movie being sold out. They blame it on his slow driving. And he just takes it. Seriously Danny! Grow a pair! Jesse and Becky come down from their picnic in Stephanie's room, where Stephanie apparently ate all of the caviar. Becky tells her that she's glad she enjoyed it and then turns to Danny and tells him straight up that he owes her $200 for it. Haha, rule with an iron fist, Beck-a-tron! The girls demand to be taken to the ice rink to go skating and leave to find their skates without awaiting a reply.

The guys sink down into the kitchen chairs and complain about how selfish the girls are acting and how they've heard nothing but demands all afternoon without so much as a single "please" or "thank you." They come up with the brilliant idea to play role reversal and let the girls act as the parents and they will take their turn in acting like selfish brats. Um, whatever floats your boat I guess. I'm all for raising voices and harsh disciplinarian action! Punish dem ho's! The girls come in with all of their skating gear, ready to go when Danny springs this new idea for a game to them. They're excited to exercise their newfound authority and do so by first ordering the guy's to clean their rooms before watching television. Jesse and Joey grumble, but Danny smirks because naturally his room's already immaculate.

It's lunchtime and the guys sit and wait for the girls to prepare their lunches for them. They act like fussy brats and reject their sandwiches and make the process of pouring drinks quite difficult. Not quite grasping the parallels of their bratty behavior, D.J. gets fed up and sends them all to their room. Jesse's miffed, "Oh great game Danny. Now we're being punished." Jesse and Danny sneak down to Joey's room and he freaks out, worrying about the trouble they'll get into if the girls discover them. Danny laments that his plan has backfired and the girls haven't been taught anything by this experiment. The guys then imagine how life would be if the girls continue down this path and are still living at home. And thus begins the most awesome dream sequence ever.

Somehow, in his older years, Danny adopted Judaism right down to the Yiddish accent. Oh...kay. He's toting a dustbuster and I'm happy to report that he's still a lean mean cleaning machine. Not quite as lean is Joey, who is a total fatass with a mustache. Jesse is wearing his jungle jammies and rocking a fierce mullet toupe. Becky comes in sporting a massive badonkadonk booty. Jesse attempts to unleash his catchphrase, but can't get past, "Have..." Danny suggests "...a nice bowl of Cream of Wheat?" Rebecca, fed up, yells, "Have MERCY, you old poop!" Jesse stubbornly insists that that's not it, and finally settles on "Have... pity?" Becky boasts that her main squeeze Jess is the world's oldest Elvis impersonator. I'd believe it. Jesse accuses the guys of checking out Becky to which Yiddish Danny awesomely replies, "Where am I supposed to look? Your woman is EVERYWHERE!"

The girls start yelling for their breakfast and the guys tray it up and deliver it to them upstairs. The girls are still brats, and Kimmy Gibbler pops in for a visit. She's now superhot and the guys nearly fall over themselves when they see her. Adult Michelle is possibly borderline retarded, and coincidentally is played by Dave Coulier's real-life spouse of 2 years, Jayne Modean. Danny says, "She was so smart when she was 3..." Man, I love this bit. I literally laugh my ass off at the guys as old men. The girls make their demands and take off and the guys tumble onto one of the beds fighting and you can just tell that they were having a great time shooting this scene.

Back to reality, Danny says that they can all learn a lot from that story. Joey: "Yeah, I'm going to start being a lot nicer to Kimmy Gibbler." Heh. Lech. The girls bust the guys down in Joey's room and as they launch into a lengthy lecture, the logistics of the experiment and the parallels of their behavior dawns on D.J. The girls apologize for being selfish brats and vow to stop taking the guys for granted. Lesson learned.


michelle said...

Ahhh...I LOVE the dream sequence as well although I did forget about Danny's accent. Hahaha.

Also, it never made any sense to me why the girls suddenly started acting like brats. Of course, I'm sure it's just to make a plot, but still.

Sadako said...

I just read in Jodie Sweetin's autobio that Dave Coulier met his wife on the show.

The idea of him falling for "grown up Michelle" skeeved and entertained me greatly.

metamorphstorm said...

This blog is the best! I love the links leading off to BSC rants! Of my 90s childhood, BSC and Full House are two incredibly corny, easily-criticized, and somehow likeable big parts.

This episode was always a favorite, even though it always made me sad to see Jesse upset. The girls (especially the youngest) were so bratty, I thought I actually coined the phrase 'brattitude' just for them. (A quick search on what's new to a sheltered 90's kid, Google, tells me it's actually a song).

Anyhow...excellent job on the blog; I often feel I'm re-watching these episodes myself by reading these. Takes a bit of talent to do that...wish this show still played on TV or was allowed on YouTube/Internet in general, 'cause as easy as it is to pick on, it's kind of classic.