"Hey! Shut up!" or, Our Very First Show (Pilot)

Ugh, why does the show have to open on one of the Olsen twins ugly mugs? I'm sorry, but they were homely as hell when they were on this show.

Ah, the opening theme song. My favorite part about the pilot episode is that they play Jesse Frederick and Bennett Salvay's lyrical genius in all its glory. Those guys OWNED the late 80s and early 90s. In addition to "Everywhere You Look," they also co-wrote the theme songs for "Perfect Strangers," "Family Matters" and "Step By Step." If you were composing a cheesy family sitcom in this time period, they were the go-to guys.

The pilot kicks off with Claire (in the first of like, 5 different actress incarnations) leaving Danny and the girls. Granny Tanny, as she's otherwise known, moved in to help run the household after the demise of Danny's wife Pam. The girls are sad and DJ brats about having to share a room with Stephanie. Danny exposits that Uncle Jesse and his friend Joey will be moving in to help out around the house.

Aaaaand cue former soap hottie/current "ER" star John Stamos in all his mulleted glory. Thus begins my countdown til the episode where Stephanie accidentally rids him of that follicle disaster. It cracks me up how Jesse is like the spokesmodel for Harley Davidson these first few seasons. When Danny asks why Jesse missed breakast, he launches into his wild night with a showgirl and is cut off by Danny right before he gives all the scandalous details in front of his young nieces. Jodie Sweetin is impossibly cute these first few seasons before her nose outgrew her face.

Ugh. Cue Joey the dumbass. How can a comedian be so unfunny? Although DJ is a major brat in the beginning of the series before becoming such a pious and sanctimonious teenager, I do love how unamused she is by all of Joey's antics. "Do you think we can catch Grandma in the airport?" Right on, Deej.

They show Jesse to his room and we are introduced to the infamous pink bunnies. We are then informed that Danny is a "lean, mean hugging machine." How will this mulleted, motorcycling tough guy handle this straightlaced, hugging neatfreak? WACKINESS.

Across the hall, DJ is laying down the ground rules for her new roommate Stephanie. She implements the classic divide the room in half and Stephanie "climbs" across the curtains, only to be sent back where she started. The three guys enter the girls' room. More Joey being stupid and hated. Danny tells them he has to work at the station and leaves the two bachelor's with zero parenting experience to care for his 3 young daughters. Clearly hijinx and hilarity are to ensue.

Joey and Jesse go to the nursery to check on a crying Michelle. When she won't stop, Jesse screams "Hey! Shut Up!" Why couldn't he say this more often when Michelle learns to talk and becomes an enormous brat? Joey launches into all of his lame imitations and gags in an attempt to stop the crying to no avail. Finally, the two brain surgeons deduce that maybe the baby needs to be changed. Oh jeez, here comes the aforementioned hijinx.

Side note: What is with the inability of all sitcom characters to properly change a diaper? I don't have kids, but it's not exactly rocket science. It's not a Rubik's cube! You fold it over and stick the tabs together. I mean, I guess it's supposed to be funny, but it just makes the characters look like idiots.

Using the sink spray to clean her? Seriously? No baby wipes? Then they use paper towels and a plastic bag to fashion a diaper? After the two morons bundle the baby in Bounty and plastic, Stephanie cutely suggests that next time they try using an actual diaper. They chastise her for not telling them about the diapers sooner, but it's like Seriously guys? You thought that there wouldn't be any diapers in a house with an infant? I mean, did they even try and look for them? They were right behind the kitchen counter on a chair! Again, supposed to be funny, but they just look stupid.

Danny comes home to a tornado of baby clothes and the family, minus DJ sprawled on the living room couch. Super Baby-sitters of the year and Danny are both surprised to hear that Deej moved out of the bedroom she shares with Stephanie. Steph directs Danny to her new room in the garage where she's talking to Kimmy Gibbler who called her from "her own phone in her own room." Danny tries to scold DJ into moving back to the house. Joey goes a different route. Namely, a Bill Cosby impersonation. The hell? How would that persuade her to move back in? Danny needs to check on the baby and Joey's an idiot, so that leaves it up to Jesse. He has his showgirl Vanessa waiting so in order to expedite the process, pays Deej $21 to move back in. Danny inadvertantly drove Vanessa out of the house and Jesse demands his money back.

Danny tries one last ditch effort to keep DJ in the house. It's time for the sentimental family moment. The sappy music swells, as Danny asks how Pam would have handled the situation. DJ admits that she feels like she's losing everything. First her mom died, then Grandma moved out, and now she's losing the independence of having her own room. I guess that's a lot for a ten-year old to take, so I forgive the brattiness for the time being. They tug at our heartstrings and finally agree to give this new living arrangement a shot.

Danny and the girls come back to the living room to see Jesse cooing at Michelle in baby talk. Embarassed, he immediately reverts back to the tough guy image. Michelle makes some noise which Danny tells us is her bastardized version of "singing." Despite the fact that Jesse is the musician of the group, Joey sidles over to the playpen saying "Music? I'll handle this," and launches into the "Flinstones" theme song. The hell? God, I hate Joey more and more on repeat viewings of this show. I think when I was a kid, I used to totally dig the whole "Cut. It. Out." bit too. We end on Stephanie yelling "Wilma!" and the entire family dissolving into giggles as we fade to black.