"But, do we really need Michelle?" or Sisterly Love (1.13)

The family comes in after watching D.J. perform the female lead in "The Frog Prince." She's wearing a red gown and a tiara. Apparently Michelle started crying and needed to be removed from the auditorium, so Joey ended up missing the final scene of the show. Man, for someone that can't talk, that Michelle really ruins everything, doesn't she? To ensure that Joey doesn't miss any of the masterpiece that is children's theater, D.J. reenacts the final scene of the kiss with Jesse stepping in to portray the Frog Prince.

She gives a decent performance... I guess. I'm very rarely wowed by child actors, usually a little too hammy for my liking. Anyway, the whole family is so impressed by Jesse's star power that he suggest to Danny, in front of D.J., that she should audition for television commercials. D.J., bitten by the acting bug, is obviously excited and enthusiastic, and begs her father to let her try out for a part. Danny is less than thrilled that Jesse mentioned auditions and open casting calls in front of his impressionable daughter, because he's afraid that she'll get her hopes up for success, only to have her dreams crushed.

The next day, Jesse is preparing lunch for UglyBaby. He deems that processed fruits and vegetables are passe, so he fixes her a corned beef sandwich and a pickle. Danny comes in and does not approve of this meal for his UglyBaby. He instead takes the sandwich for himself, and seeing Michelle with the pickle in hand reminds me of that highly disturbing clip from "The Soup" of the pickle girl from "Super Nanny." Ew. Joey comes in with a bag of groceries, but it's all health food. Apparently he has high cholesterol and needs to change his diet, so he is pulling a complete 180 and going to the extreme with health food. Jesse and Danny doubt his ability to stick with this new diet, and Joey insists that he is Mr. Willpower and that he once "quit smoking like THAT." Danny doesn't buy it and asks when did he ever smoke. Joey then reveals that it was 4 cigarettes when he was 12, and he stopped "cold turkey" when his Dad caught him.

Done listening to Joey's idiocy, Danny then reveals that he caught wind of an open audition for an Oat Boats cereal commercial on the following day. He's not sure if he's going to tell D.J. about it, but with the coaxing of J&J, he finally goes to her room and tells her. Danny begs her to take some time to think this over and decide if it's really something that she wants to put herself through. D.J. takes all of 10 seconds before running out into the hallway to tell Danny, "I want to do it!"

Jesse and Stephanie accompany D.J. to her audition. She does a great job, reminiscent of pretty much every cereal commercial I remember watching growing up. She's right up there with the Life cereal "Hey Mikey! He likes it!" The casting director loves her performance too, and goes to get her boss to make the final decision. Jesse goes to feed more money into the parking meter, and D.J. goes to fix her hair. Stephanie was so inspired by D.J.'s performance that she asks if she may have a bowl of Oat Boats. The casting director tells her to go for it, and Stephanie starts doing a play-by-play of the Oat Boat race between the strawberry and banana, and "first place is a trip to [her] mouth." Hee. The childish pervert in me laughs at the unintentional (?) dirtiness of that statement. The director comes in and sees Steph do her shtick and mistakes her for the auditioner. He awards her the part to the shock of Uncle Jesse and Stephanie, and the utter dismay of D.J.

Danny comforts D.J. when he learns she didn't get the part, and out of respect, tries to mask his excitement over Stephanie's success. D.J. pretends she's not bitter and feigns happiness that Steph got the part.

Joey meanwhile, lasted a whopping 24 hours on his new diet, and is in the nursery, trying to wolf down a fast food cheeseburger and french fries. When he hears Danny and Jesse approaching, he hides the food in Michelle's crib. Because they aren't complete morons like Joey, Danny and Jesse smell and discover the hidden junk food almost immediately. Joey is pathetic, and Danny tells him to chill out and try dieting in moderation.

Stephanie rehearses for her commercial and is reading the stage directions aloud while D.J. watches and laughs at her. Finally, they explode, chasing each other around the kitchen yelling "Thief!" and "Jealous!" Then, they resort to full names. Jesse and Joey hear the commotion and pull the girls apart, sending Stephanie into the living room and D.J. down to what is now, back to being Joey's room downstairs. As they part, D.J. yells "Stephanie Judith!" which is met with "Donna Jo Margaret!" prompting Jesse to say, "Margaret?" Ha! I'm with you Jess, I would've though the "Jo" would have sufficed as a middle name.

The guys go downstairs where D.J. is maniacally pedaling on the exercise bike- perhaps a foreshadowing to the episode where she becomes self-conscious about her weight prior to Kimmy's pool party, so she starves herself and over-exercises. Joey starts in, telling D.J. that being in show business is all about dealing with constant rejection, with a rare chance at success. I laugh heartily and yell at my T.V., "I bet you know a whole lot about rejection, Gladstone!"

This pep talk does nothing, so Jesse swoops in and attempts a little reverse psychology by exaggerating how Stephanie is devious and conniving and intentionally stole the part right out from under D.J. D.J. admits that she knows Stephanie didn't do it on purpose, but she's still mad nonetheless. I think that's completely understandable, and that they should give her a few days to cool off, but you know how the Tanner family works. Every problem must be solved and tied up in a nice neat little package as soon as possible.

After a little more prodding, D.J. confesses that her unhappiness stems from feeling cast aside for her younger, cuter sisters. She feels that they steal the limelight and thinks it's disgusting, and she wishes she could go back to the way it was before her sisters were born. J&J point out all the perks of being the eldest child, and D.J. finally admits that being the oldest isn't so bad. She goes up to the living room to apologize to Stephanie.

Steph meanwhile is on the phone with the operator, asking to be connected to Mr. Oat Boat. D.J. goes unnoticed and listens in as Stephanie begs to speak with him because she needs to quit the commercial because it's tearing her family apart and now her big sister hates her. Aw. Dammit she's so cute. The operator naturally hangs up, leading to the ever popular, "How rude!" D.J. apologizes and they call each other their best friends and aw, isn't sisterly love grand? Stephanie then asks, "But, do we really need Michelle?" Hahahahaha! That's TWO episodes in a row where someone suggests that they get rid of Michelle. Now, why couldn't they have acted on that?! D.J. assures her that when Michelle's older enough to push around, she won't be as bad. I've got news for ya, Deej: You're wrong!

D.J. helps Stephanie rehearse and tells her to not read the stage directions aloud, and Jesse and Joey lurk through the entry to the living room, watching the sisterly love. Ew, that sounded creepy.