"Okay, she's a topless ballerina" or The First Day of School (1.3)

The episode begins in the girls' darkened bedroom. Stephanie is too excited for her first day of school to sleep and rouses D.J. to teach her the pledge of allegiance. She messes up the words, it's cute and funny I guess.

Meanwhile, Joey and Jesse are in the bathroom giving Michelle a bath. Huh? They're giving her a bath that late at night? I mean, I know Stephanie and D.J. probably have a pretty early bedtime, but Deej is 10! It can't be that early. What a bizarre time for a bath... Anyway they're talking about the new dancer Jesse's dating who is, a topless ballerina. Both men are perched on the side of the tub and Michelle is sitting in her babyseat. Something tells me that these two brainiacs haven't figured out how a bath works. For no real reason, Jesse starts doing an Elvis routine for UglyBaby Michelle. Danny walks in as Jesse begins serenading Joey with one of the King's ballads. Naturally, Danny doesn't really believe them when they claim to be giving Michelle a bath on account of the fact that she's not in the tub.

Danny picks up Michelle and leaves J&J with the awesome parting words, "I'll leave you two sailors to your suds and singing." Man, Danny Tanner was funny shit. J&J subsequently ham it up and continue the serenade. One of my favorite aspects of this show re-watching it in later years, is how the characters take all the gay jokes in stride. I mean, they are 3 men living together in San Francisco. so I kind of appreciate that they can poke fun at themselves.

Can I just take a moment to hate on Joey again? The moron is wearing a swimcap, lifevest and goggles, not to mention some obnoxiously loud swim trunks to give Michelle a bath. I mean, I get it. He's a "comedian" so he's "wacky" but he just comes off as an idiot.

Danny goes into the girls' room to check on them and is surprised not only to find them still awake, but Stephanie is fully dressed in a frilly pink party dress with a mismatching red lunchbox.

The next morning, J&J recap their bathtime for Danny and the girls' come down. D.J. in a denim shift dress that my 26 year old friend's 46 year old girlfriend has totally rocked on more than one occasion. I giggle. Stephanie opted to wear a red sailor style dress that I'm almost positive my sister wore on her first day of second grade. I had it in fuschia and wore it on that same day, my first day of pre-school. Danny presents the girls with two new lunchboxes: Barbie for D.J. and a "Jetsons"-themed one for Stephanie. We are "treated" to more of Joey's "hilarious" cartoon character voices. Joy. Grr I have to point out that the night before, Stephanie wore a pink dress and had a red lunchbox and now this new lunchbox is pink and she's in a red dress! I know she won't be wearing red everyday, but I still think that was a really poor choice by both the costuming and props department. Then when I look at how all of the other characters on the show are dressed, it occurs to me that maybe I should pick my battles.

Rant over. Anyway, D.J. declares she is too old for a lunchbox and I have to agree. Granted, lunchboxes are all the rage nowadays for being "retro." Danny videotapes the girls' walk out the door to leave for school as J&J begin singing "Sunrise, Sunset" from "Fiddler on the Roof." Danny joins in and their singing, coupled with the expressions on the girls' faces made for a great comedic moment. I genuinely laughed at that.

After a beat the door opens and Stephanie comes back in and declares that she is not going to school. Joey gives her a crap lesson about how to play sick and she finally confesses that she's afraid about going to a new place where she doesn't have any friends. Wait, didn't she go to preschool? I thought everyone did. I went to 2 years of preschool and kindergarten was comprised mainly of the same people I met in pre-school. Do some people just go right into kindergarten? Huh.

Danny escorts Steph to class and just as he tries to offer some encouraging words, a little girl tears away from her mother screaming that she'll never go back to school. I laugh again. Danny plays on the too-small slide with Stephanie and eventually coaxes her to go inside....

Where she is met by Uncle Jesse in his full exterminator gear! Hey yeah, remember that he's an exterminator? It's such an inconsistent plot point for his character that is only occasionally referred to when convenient. He tries to make Stephanie friends by bribing them with milk and then attempts to use his masculine wiles and charms on a little girl who blows a whistle and screams "Stranger! Stranger!" Ha. And ew. A scene like that reminds me of those rumors about Stamos bedding one of the Olsens in real life (after she was legal, but still, ew). Jesse tells the teacher he is Steph's dad and she asks him to help get rid of a spider.

As soon as he leaves the room, who should enter but Effin' Joey. He starts a game of Duck, Duck, Goose and actually seems to be doing a decent job of integrating Steph with the other kids. The teacher and Jesse return and Joey tells her he's Stephanie's dad. Wackiness! Of course Danny chooses this moment to re-enter and says that he's Stephanie's dad. Before they can really clear up the confusion, they spot D.J. scaling the brick wall of the playground trying to make an escape.

Danny intercepts his eldest and she tells him that she was placed in the advanced class with kids who are worse than eggheads, they are "omelette-heads." Apparently they came prepared with their own self-assigned homework, Kimmy's not in the class and gasp, D.J. is the only blonde! Danny tells her that he's proud because those smart kids will one day rule the world and gives her a pep talk. Stephanie joins them and D.J. offers to talk to her and ends up repeating Danny's words. She tells Steph that she didn't know anyone when she started school and didn't even talk to Kimmy for the first 6 months, which resulted in this brilliant exchange:

Stephanie: "[You didn't talk to Kimmy for 6 months] Because she's an airhead."
D.J.: "She's not an airhead, she just hates thinking."

Stephanie and D.J. return to their respective classrooms and we close on Stephanie joining her classmates on the rug singing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" (complete with hand gestures, natch) as the three men cheers with their milk cartons.