Ick, I just noticed that UglyBaby Michelle raises her eyebrow on the opening shot. Don't you make sexy faces at me, UglyBaby, I'm not biting.
Kimmy and D.J. are heading down the stairs into the... garage? Huh? Wasn't it just two episodes ago where they remodeled the garage into Joey's new bedroom? Nice continuity there writers. All I can figure is that they may have filmed the first season episodes, and then altered the order of airing them once the show was picked up, and this little detail slipped their mind. I wish they hadn't done it like RIGHT after the episode where Joey gets the new room. Anyway, rant over.
D.J. asks Kimmy if she'd like to stay for dinner, and Kimmy's all for it until she finds out that Joey's cooking and it's something in "earth tones." Ugh, Joey, you are unsuccessful in comedy and cooking. Just then, Stephanie pipes into the conversation, trailing her big sister. D.J. essentially tells her to get lost so that her and Kimmy can discuss woman things. To which Steph replies: "I'm a woman. I'm a little woman, but I'm a woman." D.J. promises her quality sister bonding time after Kimmy leaves, and just then there is a some sort of animal noise that Stephanie is convinced is a monster.
In the kitchen, Joey is doing a poor and mildly racist Iron Chef imitation. Jesse joins in the fun. Danny comes in the door saying "Great news, great news!" Stephanie wraps herself around his leg, terrified of the alleged monster in the garage. D.J. Oprahs that Stephanie's fears are just a desperate cry for attention. Danny reminds everyone that he had big news and the family finally bites.
Turns out that in order to boost ratings, the station is doing a profile on Danny and his family. Um... okay. I don't know why anyone would be riveted by the life of a sports reporter and his family... but sure, I'll roll with it. The family is obviously stoked to be featured on television, and finally act mildly interested in Danny's news.
Later that night, the girls are in bed when they once again hear the "monster noise" prodding Stephanie to Poltergeist, "They're ba-ack!" Steph first joins D.J. in bed, then when the noise continues, they run out into the hall calling for help. Jesse and Danny come out, and they try to send Jesse after the monster to kill it because he's an exterminator, oh excuse me, "pest control specialist." This leads to a pretty humorous rant by Hair Boy about the unsung hero that is, the exterminator. The girls won't rest until Danny lays with them in D.J.'s bed and the girls doze off while Danny is left to sleep in what appears to be one of the most uncomfortable sleeping positions ever.
The next morning, J&J are primping UglyBaby Michelle for the television program. Sorry guys, no luck, still ugly. You can't tie a bow around shit and pretend it's my birthday present. They hear the noise again and Jesse listens intently and then reveals, "North American Silver Footed Ferret, adult male, 2 1/2 pounds." He also traces the sound to the garage. Joey is amazed and Jesse reveals that it's a gift.
The guys move the garage where Jesse tries to capture and kill the ferret. Joey, suddenly an animal lover, opens the garage door and encourages the ferret to escape, all the while singing "Born Free." I just would like to note that the silver and neon green fishing net that Jesse is using is the same one that I used to use when fishing back in the day. Same exact thing. I mean, I got it at Wal*Mart for like $5 so it's not like it was anything special. Just a little tidbit. A fun fact, if you will.
The doorbell rings, and the girls answer. It's Ronnie, the director of the Tanner's television segment. She asks the girls to smile and take her coat. They do so and pass her tests with flying colors; they are both cute and capable of taking direction. She introduces herself as Ronnie, which is short for Veronica. D.J. introduces herself saying it's short for Donna Jo, and Stephanie says "I'm Stephanie... I'm just short." Heh, I dunno what it is about Jodie Sweetin, but she just is so damn cute. She was a great child actor. Too bad about the whole meth thing though...
The girls show Ronnie around the house and bring her into the garage where the men are still pursuing the ferret. Somehow, Jesse is now hanging upside down from the ceiling with Joey spotting, and it is at this moment when the girls and Ronnie walk in, prompting the director to say, "This is Danny Tanner's family? We're in trouble." Amen, sister.
Danny comes home and Ronnie is not one for manners or introductions. Danny sees Joey cleaning out the alcove (um, too bad he moved into his own room in the garage TWO EPISODES AGO!). Apparently Ronnie doesn't think that Joey fits in to the family image she's trying to portray. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to go with Ronnie on this one, Dan-O. Ditch the dink. Joey is still involved, as he has the important task of holding the cue cards.
Danny enters, saying "Ciao!" They have added a poodle named DaVinci into the mix. I like him, he's fluffy and cute. The girls come in bearing violins and wearing pearls, being bizarrely formal and vaguely Von Trapp-esque ("We missed you papa"). Jesse is playing the role of the butler, spouting "Hi ho, tea time" in a horrid British accent. He calls D.J. and Steph, "Buffy" and "Jodi" and something about the way he says, it and the girls' genuine reactions of laughter makes me think it was a cute ad lib. Joey claims he didn't fight too hard to stay in the segment, and I roll my eyes and am so sure. Desperate hack. You know he'd be on his knees in 3 seconds for a little television exposure.
Cue UglyBaby Michelle. But, wait! She's been replaced with adorable 3-year old Asian toddler. Michelle also didn't fit into Ronnie's vision for the segment. Again, I'm really going to have to go with Ronnie on this one. No Joey? No UglyBaby Michelle? It's like my picture perfect Tanner world! Vote Ronnie 4 Prez, 2008! Danny takes charge of the production and then we are treated to the final product.
Danny talks to the camera and takes them on a pretty boring tour of his home and family. The girls look awkward coloring at a table in the room, wearing ill-fitting SF Giants hats. Seriously, those things looked like they've never been worn. They move into the nursery where J&J are in with the baby. Joey tries out some unfunny puppetry with Michelle, and Danny introduces Jesse as his brother-in-law and lead singer of "Jesse Cochran and the Rippers." Gaa! Still with the Cochran! I can't believe it lasted this long. Danny reiterates how important each member of his family is, beg for ratings, and D.J. uses the exposure to ask for a raise in her allowance. The painful segment finally ends. Really? They thought that crap would boost ratings? Local networks in San Francisco must have been hard up in the late 80s/early 90s.
The family moves into the kitchen for celebratory ice cream. J&J hang behind and once more hear the call of the ferret. Now, Jesse catches it with ridiculous ease, and at the puppy dog face of Joey, agrees to release the ferret into the wild, rather than exterminate it. They go into the kitchen to show the girls that there was no monster, and finally, the music tells us it's over.
Bring back Ronnie! She knows where it's at!