Monday, November 26, 2007

"So, have you heard who Miss Piggy's been dating?" or Cutting It Close (2.1)

ABC Family got tired of Season One, so bring on Number Two! New opening credits, unfortunately it still opens on Ugly Michelle, now she's just a little older.

Jesse is rocking out, playing the guitar in his bedroom, when he is interrupted by Stephanie, who wants him to play beauty parlor. He follows her into her bedroom where Joey is seated, with a weird yarn hair net on his head and his toes separated by cotton balls elevated on the chair. Jesse rightfully laughs at Joey getting a pedicure, and takes his seat at Mistress Stephanie's Salon. He jumps about a mile when Stephanie comes at him, brandishing real scissors. He warns her to be careful.

Joey then launched into an abysmal Roger Rabbit impression. Yawn. Jesse and Stephanie laugh (only to be polite, I'm sure) and Stephanie distractedly and accidentally snips off a chunk of Jesse's prized mullet. Stephanie is horrified, holding Jesse's hair in her hand as Danny and D.J. enter the room. Everyone's face is enough to tip Jesse off that something is amiss with his coif. He sees the hair in Stephanie's hands and all she can do is look at him and plead, "Have Mercy."

The next day, UgBaby Michelle is bratting it up, pushing everything off of the coffee table in the living room. Danny teaches her how to pick up her mess and organize the magazines. The front door is opened by a sexy nurse who is followed by Jesse. He is wearing a hospital gown with both arms in casts and his motorcycle helmet on his head. Jesse, being the mature adult that he is, says that after he had to get a haircut, he was so angry about it that he didn't see the speed bump that caused him to get into an accident. Nothing like blaming all of your problems on your six-year old niece and launching the biggest guilt trip ever.

The whole family's gathered in the living room and Joey is in a rugby shirt. This angers me because I used to play rugby and Joey sucks. Turns out Jesse's going to be in casts for 6 weeks and finally admits that the accident wasn't all Steph's fault in a way that says that he thinks it really is. Then when she tries to hug him, he wicked overreacts that she needs to be more gentle around his broken bones. And now, the unveiling of the new 'do. The family and audience all laugh at his new style and I don't really know why. He had a MULLET. This is a vast improvement people, don't be hatin'!

Jesse is insistent upon being independent and he tries to get himself a bowl of cereal with hilarity naturally ensuing. Again, this show exhibits one of my peeves because he pours his cereal into a tupperware bowl and attempts to eat it with a wooden spoon. Ick! Stop with the wooden utensils! For some reason, Jesse just has to have a banana chopped up in his Oat Boats and does so with a rolling pin. The spoon doesn't work out too well for him, and Jesse reverts to eating like a pig in a trough. Heh. Danny comes in and sees this and remarks that he's a grown man eating like a Great Dane. Jesse finally resigns himself to letting the rest of the family help him out around the house.

Cue the montage of the family helping out Jesse to another crappy Beatles cover, this time to "Help!" (Duh). In the montage of clips you can see that everyone besides Stephanie is lending a helping hand.

Jesse's sitting at the table with a teal tank top over a his upper body cast. It's pretty funny looking. Stephanie's just moping around the house and D.J. yells at her for not helping Uncle J. She goes to Danny, who is in the process of dust busting his vacuum cleaner bag, and tells him that Steph refuses to help Uncle Jesse. With a little bit of fatherly prying, Danny discovers that Stephanie is just afraid of hurting Jesse again and is afraid she is going to break him.

Danny confronts Jesse in the backyard and pretty much tells him to stop feeling sorry for himself because his prick attitude left Steph racked with guilt. Jesse, still kind of rough around the edges with the whole parenting business tells Danny to send "the little rug rat" out there so that he can "tell her she's wacko." Nice, Jess. Actually, it's pretty hilarious. Kids can be so dumb.

Stephanie reluctantly comes outside and puts on the puppy dog face while she tells Jesse that she's dangerous and that's why he hates her. Jesse admits that he's just been frustrated and feeling sorry for himself and he's sorry that he took it out on her. He promises that he's going to heal up just fine and tells her that even those who are experts (for instance fake haircuts or riding motorcycles) can make mistakes (for instance accidentally chopping off someone's hair or crashing said motorcycle). Encouraged, Stephanie finally feels confident enough to give Jesse a hug without hurting him, causing them to declare: "The curse is over! Have Mercy!"

Naturally, the six weeks will have passed by the next episode, and this incident of broken appendages will never be heard from again.


Rita said...

Just wanted to let you know that this blog is incredibly awesome and I love reading it.

veronica said...

Love your blog! And the UglyBaby Michelle hate. Keep up the great work!

Lisa said...

I completely agree. Stephanie cutting off Jesse's lock o'hair was the best thing that could have happened to him. RIP MULLET!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I wonder who had the job of wiping his ass. Probably Kimmy.