Time to fill in all of the gaps of the first go-round... well except for the last episode that I was too tired to pay attention to. Oh well, who doesn't love a little Kirk Cameron action?
Squeee! Kirk Cameron guest-starring on FH! He plays Steve, Danny's nephew who is a few years older than D.J. but used to be her best friend every time he came to visit. D.J. tells Kimmy that he has glasses, braces and a face full of zits, but that he's a ton of fun. When he arrives, his face is cleared up, he got contacts and his braces were taken off. Now he's the massive pre-Born Again Christian hunky incarnation of Kirk Cameron.
D.J. asks Steve to go ice-skating and he shoots her down in favor of basketball with the guys. You can see that D.J.'s a little hurt but she brushes it off.
Later D.J., Kimmy and Stephanie make lunch for the guys and D.J. tells Kimmy that she found all these pictures from THanksgiving 2 years ago nd she wants to show them to Steve and reminisce about the good times. The guys come in hungry after their game and swoop in and pick up lunch and move into the living room to watch the Celtics-Lakers game (GO CELTICS!). Kimmy departs on a quest for pickles for Steve.
While watching the game, Joey bets Jesse a dollar that Magic steals the ball from... someone, and obviously he does. He makes a more elaborate and intricate prediction and Jesse and everyone else is blown away... until Stephanie remarks that she's so impressed because Joey didn't know that any of those things were going to happen when they watched the game together this morning. Jesse pops a cassette out of the VCR and threatens to bludgeon Joey with it unless he gets his money back.
Ug's cries drift downstairs and Steve offers to go check on the brat. Danny thanks him and then doubts his experience with babies, but since he secretly hates Ug, he'll allow a 17 year old boy with no infant knowledge to handle things. Joey comments that Steve's a great kid and Danny thanks J&J for being so good to Steve and helping provide a manly environment for him to thrive in since his father apparently peaced out not too long ago.
Up in Ug's nursery, Steve's clueless and D.J. is there to decode Michelle's piercing cries and teach him how to put on diapers, and once again asks him to go ice skating, sweetening the deal with an invite to eat pizza and go to a boy-girl party. Steve tells her that he's too old to do those kinds of things and says he already has plans to go to the Warriors game with Danny. Danny then comes in and announces that the next day they'll all be going to the park for a picnic and some touch football and calls Steve to come watch the Bull-Pistons game (I'M INDIFFERENT TO BOTH!), leaving D.J. to deal with stinky baby. She plops the newly diapered Michelle down in a chair and asks her what she thinks of her cousin Steve. Michelle gurgles in response and D.J. laments that Steve has turned into a big jock who has no time for her anymore. Sad music.
D.J. is in the living room with J&J where they are teaching her the fundamentals of football. She's loving it and getting really into the machismo of [manly voice] FOOTBALL!!! [/end manly voice] At the park, the family's lounging while Jesse plays on the guitar and wearing a really poor choice in headwear. Kimmy offers Steve another sandwich and he declines, and D.J. butts in spouting off a bunch of random sports statistics. She's met with stares from everyone and breaks the tension by suggesting they play some football.
Danny and Jesse are captains (because it's Danny's ball and Jesse's hair looks like a helmet) and Danny's team is Steve, Kimmy and Steph. Jesse's team is D.J., Michelle, and Joey... but they need to spot them a touchdown. Jesse's team strikes first, and Kimmy consoles Steve with an ass slap. Ha, I love Kimmy. Steve tells the girls to sit out so they guys can play some "real" football, but how real is it going to be with 4 people? D.J. gets all fired up by this rampant display of sexism and tackles intended receiver Steve with a pass interference. Bitch laid him OUT!
D.J. flips a shit when they call a penalty and bursts out that Danny should just adopt Steve already, because it's pretty obvious that's what he wants. She runs off and Kimmy's there to break the tension with another ass slap.
Danny talks to D.J. and he tries to explain that since Steve's father moved out, it's important for Steve to have time with the guys and D.J. parrots back all of the information and says that it's all well and good, except when you're a girl and you want to spend some time with your formerly favorite cousin.
Back at the house, D.J. is sitting in her room moping when Steve knocks on the door. He came up to talk to her about why she "clobbered" (his words, not mine. I don't think I've ever used the word "clobber" in a conversational sense) him during the touch football game. She says that she was mad at him because she was so looking forward to his visit and he didn't want anything to do with her. He wouldn't even go ice-skating (the nerve!) and she misses "the OLD Steve." He says he's still the same and it's just that the age difference of 17 and 11 feels like a really big deal right now, but when they're much older (like 100 and 94) it won't matter. They try starting over and make plans to go ice-skating and, what else? Hug it out. Bye Steve! We'll never see you again!
Friday, February 29, 2008
Monday, February 18, 2008
"Ink!" "Gee, you're good Uncle Jesse." or Rock the Cradle (4.26)
Uh yeah, so we're jumping from Jesse and Becky's wedding to Becky finding out she's pregnant. I don't know if it was me or ABC Family, but either way, I was comatose for 97% of Season 4, so it's onto Season 5 after this recap. But, to make up for it, I created my own artistic renditions of the drawings from the Tanners' game of Picture Charades!
We open on Jesse and the Rippers auditioning for a music executive. Following the musical portion, Jesse and family engage in some mega-watt serious ass kissing of the record exec. It's borderline pathetic.
Later in the kitchen, Danny answers the phone and it's a call for Becky. It's her doctor and it's pretty obvious to everyone watching based on her reaction that she's knocked up. She gets off the phone and confirms the news to Danny.
Just then Jesse comes in with big news and Becky replies that she also has big news. Jesse tells her that the Rippers were signed by the label. Becky is about to drop the baby bombshell on him when he cuts her off to gush about going on tour for a few months. He tells her that since WUSF will be on hiatus, to come with him on the road because they are young and have nothing (like kids) to tie them down. At this point, Becky chickens out because she doesn't want to dampen his excitement about his lifelong dreams actually coming to fruition. Angsty music!
Becky tells the rest of the family and they're all hella excited, but she tells them to keep their mouths shut because she still hasn't told Jesse. She plans to tell him over dinner. She prepares a theme meal: BABY back ribs, BABY carrots, BABY corn, and asks Jesse if he's noticing the trend amongst all the items. Jesse (who we will learn in this episode, is a complete and total R-Tard) misses the boat and thinks the common thread is that they're all finger foods... which he loves. Seriously, was Jesse always this clueless? Becky chickens out yet again, and he's too excited about his record deal and upcoming tour to eat. He goes down to share the news with the rest of the family.
Everyone else is in the living room playing Pictionary, oh I'm sorry, they call it "Picture Charades". Stephanie's up and this is essentially what she draws:
Because Michelle is a moron, she keeps guessing Big Bird. WRONG. The family gets irritated with her to the point of snapping in unison, "It's not Big Bird!" To which she replies, "Don't have a cow!" which subsequently was what Stephanie was going for. Jesse comes downstairs to tell everyone about his big news, and they congratulate him because they think he's talking about the baby and they already know. Jesse of course, thinks they're talking about his band's deal and he goes on and on about how it's not a miracle because he'd been practicing in his friends' garages from a young age, and tells them all that he wants them there chanting "Jesse! Jesse! Jesse!"
Just then as everyone is both horrified and nauseated, Becky runs in and gestures to them that she has yet to tell him. Rather than be a grownup about it, she opts to draw out her big news, in the form of a movie title:
Jesse is having a little trouble, so she gives him a hint:
He finally surmises that the first part is "She's having." And she adds the most important part of the puzzle:
He thinks it's "She's having a hot dog!" Yeah. That's it. Seriously, when did Uncle Jesse get so damn stupid. I know he's a high school dropout and everything, but did they have an un-aired episode when he falls off of his motorcycle and suffers massive brain damage?
Becky finally gets frustrated enough to burst out that it's a baby and that she's having the baby, but the she is her and reveals her pregnancy to Jesse. He's excited for a brief moment until the realization of the impending responsibility dawns on him and he promptly faints.
That night, Jesse lurks in the doorway while Danny reads a bedtime story to Michelle and tucks her in. He gets some tips from America's best Dad and then has a heart to heart with... Michelle? I know I always seek a toddler for counseling with my most important issues. Again I question, brain damage?
Ug decides to give the baby the epithet of "Big Bird" and suggests Jesse use the eeny-meeny-miney-mo method of determining whether or not he go through with going on tour. He chooses to skip out on the tour and stay home and be with Becky. He goes to tell Becky of his revelation and she's all like "Big Bird, say WHAT?" She tells him that since the tour will be during the early part of her pregnancy she won't be too delicate to travel and can accompany him. Problem once again solved in a neat little package.
Next: Season 5 and the Tanner household gets a whole lot more annoying!
We open on Jesse and the Rippers auditioning for a music executive. Following the musical portion, Jesse and family engage in some mega-watt serious ass kissing of the record exec. It's borderline pathetic.
Later in the kitchen, Danny answers the phone and it's a call for Becky. It's her doctor and it's pretty obvious to everyone watching based on her reaction that she's knocked up. She gets off the phone and confirms the news to Danny.
Just then Jesse comes in with big news and Becky replies that she also has big news. Jesse tells her that the Rippers were signed by the label. Becky is about to drop the baby bombshell on him when he cuts her off to gush about going on tour for a few months. He tells her that since WUSF will be on hiatus, to come with him on the road because they are young and have nothing (like kids) to tie them down. At this point, Becky chickens out because she doesn't want to dampen his excitement about his lifelong dreams actually coming to fruition. Angsty music!
Becky tells the rest of the family and they're all hella excited, but she tells them to keep their mouths shut because she still hasn't told Jesse. She plans to tell him over dinner. She prepares a theme meal: BABY back ribs, BABY carrots, BABY corn, and asks Jesse if he's noticing the trend amongst all the items. Jesse (who we will learn in this episode, is a complete and total R-Tard) misses the boat and thinks the common thread is that they're all finger foods... which he loves. Seriously, was Jesse always this clueless? Becky chickens out yet again, and he's too excited about his record deal and upcoming tour to eat. He goes down to share the news with the rest of the family.
Everyone else is in the living room playing Pictionary, oh I'm sorry, they call it "Picture Charades". Stephanie's up and this is essentially what she draws:
Because Michelle is a moron, she keeps guessing Big Bird. WRONG. The family gets irritated with her to the point of snapping in unison, "It's not Big Bird!" To which she replies, "Don't have a cow!" which subsequently was what Stephanie was going for. Jesse comes downstairs to tell everyone about his big news, and they congratulate him because they think he's talking about the baby and they already know. Jesse of course, thinks they're talking about his band's deal and he goes on and on about how it's not a miracle because he'd been practicing in his friends' garages from a young age, and tells them all that he wants them there chanting "Jesse! Jesse! Jesse!"
Just then as everyone is both horrified and nauseated, Becky runs in and gestures to them that she has yet to tell him. Rather than be a grownup about it, she opts to draw out her big news, in the form of a movie title:
Jesse is having a little trouble, so she gives him a hint:
He finally surmises that the first part is "She's having." And she adds the most important part of the puzzle:
He thinks it's "She's having a hot dog!" Yeah. That's it. Seriously, when did Uncle Jesse get so damn stupid. I know he's a high school dropout and everything, but did they have an un-aired episode when he falls off of his motorcycle and suffers massive brain damage?
Becky finally gets frustrated enough to burst out that it's a baby and that she's having the baby, but the she is her and reveals her pregnancy to Jesse. He's excited for a brief moment until the realization of the impending responsibility dawns on him and he promptly faints.
That night, Jesse lurks in the doorway while Danny reads a bedtime story to Michelle and tucks her in. He gets some tips from America's best Dad and then has a heart to heart with... Michelle? I know I always seek a toddler for counseling with my most important issues. Again I question, brain damage?
Ug decides to give the baby the epithet of "Big Bird" and suggests Jesse use the eeny-meeny-miney-mo method of determining whether or not he go through with going on tour. He chooses to skip out on the tour and stay home and be with Becky. He goes to tell Becky of his revelation and she's all like "Big Bird, say WHAT?" She tells him that since the tour will be during the early part of her pregnancy she won't be too delicate to travel and can accompany him. Problem once again solved in a neat little package.
Next: Season 5 and the Tanner household gets a whole lot more annoying!
Saturday, February 16, 2008
"You're not losing a daughter, you're gaining a garbage disposal!" or The Heartbreak Kid (6.16)
This episode is dually awesome and atrocious. First of all, it sucks because it's pretty Michelle-centric. On the other hand, it also involves Michelle having her heart broken and being generally humiliated, so it's a fair trade.
The girls, plus Steve and Kimmy are in the kitchen making cookies. Kimmy has apparently taken up anatomy class at school and is toting her textbook around for gross-out purposes only. She shows Michelle a picture of an actual human heart and Michelle replies with "Ewwww!" and I laugh at how early on in the episode that Michelle's misery begins! Steve made an "M" cookie covered in sprinkles and presents it to Michelle, prompting jokes from him and D.J. about it being true love. You can tell by the vacant idiot gaze on Michelle's face that she's not in on the joke. Oh, this is going to be so good.
Stephanie is up in the attic, aka Jesse and Rebecca and the twins' "apartment," and is trying to teach Jesse how to use a laptop. Jesse is completely computer illiterate, and I guess it's supposed to be funny, but it's a really boring attempt at humor.
Joey and Danny are going through old junk and it comes out that Joey dated one of Danny's exes. Danny is understandably pissed (Bro's before Ho's, y'all) but before they can really get into it, who should interrupt but that UgSnot Michelle. Ug asks Danny what you do when you love someone and after some bitter barbs thrown Joey's way, he tells her that when you really love someone, you marry them.
UgSnot's a woman on a mission, she seeks out Steve and proposes to him. D.J. and Steve play along and D.J. even forges a ring for Michelle. Ug is soooooo fucking happy and so am I... because I know how this is going to turn out and I love seeing Michelle in pain!!!
Because they're completely nuts and can't stop living in the past, Joey calls this ex-girlfriend of both Danny and Joey to get the real story about who she loved more or whatever, and it turns out that she dated both of them to make some other guy jealous. Who was this masked man you ask? None other than the San Fran Don Juan, Jesse Katsopolis!, natch. Just then, Jesse comes down the stairs freaking out because his shitty kids, Nicky and Alex, managed to erase his entire report off of his computer. Luckily the Miracle Worker (no! Not Anne "Annie" Sullivan (what what? Massachusetts repreSENT!), Stephanie Tanner!) is on hand to retrieve the lost file.
Denise pokes her head into the kitchen to tell the family to haul ass into the living room as it's time for Michelle's wedding. Denise plays the wedding march on her kazoo and to the surprise of no one, our blushing bride looks completely fug. Comet is carrying her train behind her. Denise instructs Michelle and Steve to hold hands and Ug holds out her hand, looks at Steve and says, "It's okay, I washed." Ewww, like do you not do that regularly? Are you a nosepicker? God I hate her.
They are "married" and then Steve starts to leave to get back home because it's meatloaf night. Mmm meatloaf. UgSnot didn't grasp the whole "pretend" aspect of her wedding and tells Steve that he can't leave because they're married now. The family tries to gently let her down with reasoning. Danny says that if she's married, she can no longer share a room with Stephanie. Stephanie gets caught up in the excitement of a life less fugly and jumps at the prospect of her own room, missing the point of trying to clue Michelle in to her wedding being a sham.
Joey throws his two cents in that when you get married, you move away from your family. Good argument except oh yeah, Uncle Jesse still lives in the attic with his wife and two kids. Might be a good time to hint that they find their own ace-play. I mean, are they going to live in an attic with two teenage boys? That's ridiculous!
And oh jesus, here comes some horribly Olsen dramatic acting. With zero emotion or inflection, UgSnot says robotically, "I don't believe it." Then she hurls her bouquet down and again says sans emotion, "That was mean. Really mean." Cue dramatic music as she runs up to her room and cue my uproarious laughter at her expense. Stupid troll.
The rest of the episode's pretty weak since everyone apologizes and kisses Michelle's ass. Steve and D.J. offer to make it up to her and with her trademarked UgSnot-shit-eating grin she requests pizza. Steve says it will be on him, and as the girls file out of the room, he turns to Danny and asks the T to spot him the money to feed his piggish daughters. I'd point out the massive amounts of money Steve saves by consuming every single edible item in the Tanner household, but in his defense, I wouldn't want to spend any of my money on Michelle either.
I hope everyone had a fabulous Valentine's weekend! I've been working non-stop, but I get to see my Valentine Sunday, so yay! In closing, I leave you with the romantic words of John on CMT's "My Big Redneck Wedding": "I wish I could put your love in a locket, because you're hotter than a Hot Pocket!" (His mother's reply to these touching vows? "Oo, I love Hot Pockets!")
Who said romance is dead? Hope you enjoyed all the Valentine's recaps!
The girls, plus Steve and Kimmy are in the kitchen making cookies. Kimmy has apparently taken up anatomy class at school and is toting her textbook around for gross-out purposes only. She shows Michelle a picture of an actual human heart and Michelle replies with "Ewwww!" and I laugh at how early on in the episode that Michelle's misery begins! Steve made an "M" cookie covered in sprinkles and presents it to Michelle, prompting jokes from him and D.J. about it being true love. You can tell by the vacant idiot gaze on Michelle's face that she's not in on the joke. Oh, this is going to be so good.
Stephanie is up in the attic, aka Jesse and Rebecca and the twins' "apartment," and is trying to teach Jesse how to use a laptop. Jesse is completely computer illiterate, and I guess it's supposed to be funny, but it's a really boring attempt at humor.
Joey and Danny are going through old junk and it comes out that Joey dated one of Danny's exes. Danny is understandably pissed (Bro's before Ho's, y'all) but before they can really get into it, who should interrupt but that UgSnot Michelle. Ug asks Danny what you do when you love someone and after some bitter barbs thrown Joey's way, he tells her that when you really love someone, you marry them.
UgSnot's a woman on a mission, she seeks out Steve and proposes to him. D.J. and Steve play along and D.J. even forges a ring for Michelle. Ug is soooooo fucking happy and so am I... because I know how this is going to turn out and I love seeing Michelle in pain!!!
Because they're completely nuts and can't stop living in the past, Joey calls this ex-girlfriend of both Danny and Joey to get the real story about who she loved more or whatever, and it turns out that she dated both of them to make some other guy jealous. Who was this masked man you ask? None other than the San Fran Don Juan, Jesse Katsopolis!, natch. Just then, Jesse comes down the stairs freaking out because his shitty kids, Nicky and Alex, managed to erase his entire report off of his computer. Luckily the Miracle Worker (no! Not Anne "Annie" Sullivan (what what? Massachusetts repreSENT!), Stephanie Tanner!) is on hand to retrieve the lost file.
Denise pokes her head into the kitchen to tell the family to haul ass into the living room as it's time for Michelle's wedding. Denise plays the wedding march on her kazoo and to the surprise of no one, our blushing bride looks completely fug. Comet is carrying her train behind her. Denise instructs Michelle and Steve to hold hands and Ug holds out her hand, looks at Steve and says, "It's okay, I washed." Ewww, like do you not do that regularly? Are you a nosepicker? God I hate her.
They are "married" and then Steve starts to leave to get back home because it's meatloaf night. Mmm meatloaf. UgSnot didn't grasp the whole "pretend" aspect of her wedding and tells Steve that he can't leave because they're married now. The family tries to gently let her down with reasoning. Danny says that if she's married, she can no longer share a room with Stephanie. Stephanie gets caught up in the excitement of a life less fugly and jumps at the prospect of her own room, missing the point of trying to clue Michelle in to her wedding being a sham.
Joey throws his two cents in that when you get married, you move away from your family. Good argument except oh yeah, Uncle Jesse still lives in the attic with his wife and two kids. Might be a good time to hint that they find their own ace-play. I mean, are they going to live in an attic with two teenage boys? That's ridiculous!
And oh jesus, here comes some horribly Olsen dramatic acting. With zero emotion or inflection, UgSnot says robotically, "I don't believe it." Then she hurls her bouquet down and again says sans emotion, "That was mean. Really mean." Cue dramatic music as she runs up to her room and cue my uproarious laughter at her expense. Stupid troll.
The rest of the episode's pretty weak since everyone apologizes and kisses Michelle's ass. Steve and D.J. offer to make it up to her and with her trademarked UgSnot-shit-eating grin she requests pizza. Steve says it will be on him, and as the girls file out of the room, he turns to Danny and asks the T to spot him the money to feed his piggish daughters. I'd point out the massive amounts of money Steve saves by consuming every single edible item in the Tanner household, but in his defense, I wouldn't want to spend any of my money on Michelle either.
I hope everyone had a fabulous Valentine's weekend! I've been working non-stop, but I get to see my Valentine Sunday, so yay! In closing, I leave you with the romantic words of John on CMT's "My Big Redneck Wedding": "I wish I could put your love in a locket, because you're hotter than a Hot Pocket!" (His mother's reply to these touching vows? "Oo, I love Hot Pockets!")
Who said romance is dead? Hope you enjoyed all the Valentine's recaps!
"I love these aggressive women of the 90's!" or Dateless in San Francisco (8.17)
Sorry for the lapse in Valentine recap's. I ended up working wicked late on VDay (and the obviously all of my co-workers opted for an obligatory post-work bar trip (don't worry, I'm still making good on my no booze, I just drank water with lime and kicked ass in darts)). Then, I ended up picking up an extra shift last night. Oh and to top it off, there's been some serious drama in my life that's preempted my FH enjoyment, but I've got a few moments, so here goes.
So much Valentiney "goodness." Can you handle it?!?!? We open on Michelle's fug class, where Joey and Mrs. Carruthers are coming in to tell them that because they sold the most candy bars for a fundraiser they are being treated to a Valentine's Day party. Michelle's teacher not-so-subtly inquires as to whether or not Joey will be in attendance for the party.
Lisa, the scary bitch child, declares that they must all have dates for the Valentine's party and assigns boyfriends and girlfriends to everyone in the class. She claims Derek as her man in a scary Amazonian way and assigns Michelle and Teddy and Aaron with Sophia. Who? That girl looked way too familiar to me, and I had to totally google that shit (seriously, what did we do before the internet and google? Just sit around and let unknown names/faces/facts bug the shit out of us?). I had figured she was in something else, but apparently her name is Fiona Landers and she's a folk singer who I most likely recognize from VH1 Artists You Oughta Know or "Grey's Anatomy" or something. Hey, where's Denise? She just disappeared! Aaron tells Sophia not to wear anything trampy and Whoa! FH, that was pretty racy.
Danny is trying to plan his first Valentine's Day with Claire (Claire as in Gia's mom, not Danny's mother). He's getting advice from Jesse, aka Mr. Romance, about how to make it special. Jesse lists various cliched activities of Valentine's past (though strangely enough doesn't mention the hay ride through San Fran in season two (which I just recapped below). Unfortunately one of the activities listed was a VDay spent holding hands walking across the Golden Gate Bridge sipping champagne (My guess? Korbel!) to which Becky replies "That wasn't me." Ouch, busted!
Becky inquires as to what romantic plans Jesse has planned for this Valentine's Day and he brushes her off saying that Danny needs help wooing Claire whereas him and Becky are an old married couple who are way past the point of woo.
Michelle goes to D.J. for boyfriend advice. Her and Teddy proceed to act really annoying doing things they think boyfriends and girlfriends are supposed to do. She sends him home to call her. Meanwhile, a bunch of gifts from a secret admirer are pouring in for Joey. Ugh, who would want Joey as their Valentine. He figures it's just Mrs. Carruthers, but it's not like she makes her lust a secret (thought we wish she would).
Jesse has come up with the perfect Valentine's Day plans... for Danny and Claire. He goes on and on and Becky is miffed that he's wasted all his time and energy planning romance for someone else. Stephanie is walked home by some mullet-y kid who carries her bag. He says he wishes she wasn't so smart because all of her books are heavy. She reveals that she brought her rock collection in for science class and that was a weird bit. I guess they needed to give Stephanie a storyline.
Teddy calls and Michelle tells him to come back over. He does and she tells him he can't thumb wrestler her and has to do things like carry her books, and Teddy declares that being a boyfriend sucks and promptly breaks up with her. Michelle tells him he has a bad attitude and pleads with him to stay with her "for the children." God Michelle's an idiot.
D.J. and Kimmy come into Michelle and Stephanie's room to return a flannel D.J. had borrowed and happen upon a melancholy Michelle. Literally, nothing in this world makes me happier than a sad Olsen. She destroys all potential sympathy anyone may have possibly had for her when she asks D.J. for advice because she gets dumped all the time. D.J. corrects Michelle that she is the one who does the dumping. Michelle says either way, she's always home alone on a Saturday night. And seriously, what a little shit. At this point I would have walked out, but for some reason D.J. stays to give Michelle advice.
Eventually Becky and Stephanie file in with their own man troubles and it essentially turns into a big ol' man bashing fest. Bo-ring!
Down in the kitchen, Becky flips out on Jesse for his lack of romance, and his response? You need some fresh air. She keeps on ranting, as Jesse leads her outside where there's a hot air balloon stocked with red roses and champagne waiting for them. Jesse says something reeking of awesomeness, that every time Becky wakes up next to him, he falls in love all over again. Aww. Do you think it was awkward since Stamos and Lori Loughlin used to date in real life? I wish the show brought them back together, because I think those two crazy kids might have had a shot at love (with Tila Tequila).
We're at Michelle's class' Valentine's Day party. The girls are separated on one side of the room with the boys on the other. Their teacher encourages them all to dance, and the girls stalk their male prey. Lisa frightens the fuck out of me. I hate kids like her. Naturally, the newly single Michelle and Teddy are left sitting alone. They eventually talk and renew their friendship and dance and blah blah boring, I hate Michelle.
Joey meanwhile, goes to confront Mrs. Carruthers about all of her gifts and Secret Admirer nonsense. She mistakes his returning of gifts as gifts for her, until they clarify that she was not his admirer. She's about to jump his bones until Joey busts out his master diversion: telling Mrs. C he just saw Willard Scott in a thong. And may I say, "Ugh!"? Whenever I hear the name Willard Scott, I automatically think of all of the nonsensical rambling clips they play on "The Soup."
After Mrs. C runs off, Joey's left with Michelle's teacher, Mrs. Ullman (call her Cindy!) who reveals herself to be his secret admirer. Loser. They flirt and make promises of future dates, but as most FH romantic devices, it will fizzle out before anything ever comes to fruition and will never be mentioned past this episode.
So much Valentiney "goodness." Can you handle it?!?!? We open on Michelle's fug class, where Joey and Mrs. Carruthers are coming in to tell them that because they sold the most candy bars for a fundraiser they are being treated to a Valentine's Day party. Michelle's teacher not-so-subtly inquires as to whether or not Joey will be in attendance for the party.
Lisa, the scary bitch child, declares that they must all have dates for the Valentine's party and assigns boyfriends and girlfriends to everyone in the class. She claims Derek as her man in a scary Amazonian way and assigns Michelle and Teddy and Aaron with Sophia. Who? That girl looked way too familiar to me, and I had to totally google that shit (seriously, what did we do before the internet and google? Just sit around and let unknown names/faces/facts bug the shit out of us?). I had figured she was in something else, but apparently her name is Fiona Landers and she's a folk singer who I most likely recognize from VH1 Artists You Oughta Know or "Grey's Anatomy" or something. Hey, where's Denise? She just disappeared! Aaron tells Sophia not to wear anything trampy and Whoa! FH, that was pretty racy.
Danny is trying to plan his first Valentine's Day with Claire (Claire as in Gia's mom, not Danny's mother). He's getting advice from Jesse, aka Mr. Romance, about how to make it special. Jesse lists various cliched activities of Valentine's past (though strangely enough doesn't mention the hay ride through San Fran in season two (which I just recapped below). Unfortunately one of the activities listed was a VDay spent holding hands walking across the Golden Gate Bridge sipping champagne (My guess? Korbel!) to which Becky replies "That wasn't me." Ouch, busted!
Becky inquires as to what romantic plans Jesse has planned for this Valentine's Day and he brushes her off saying that Danny needs help wooing Claire whereas him and Becky are an old married couple who are way past the point of woo.
Michelle goes to D.J. for boyfriend advice. Her and Teddy proceed to act really annoying doing things they think boyfriends and girlfriends are supposed to do. She sends him home to call her. Meanwhile, a bunch of gifts from a secret admirer are pouring in for Joey. Ugh, who would want Joey as their Valentine. He figures it's just Mrs. Carruthers, but it's not like she makes her lust a secret (thought we wish she would).
Jesse has come up with the perfect Valentine's Day plans... for Danny and Claire. He goes on and on and Becky is miffed that he's wasted all his time and energy planning romance for someone else. Stephanie is walked home by some mullet-y kid who carries her bag. He says he wishes she wasn't so smart because all of her books are heavy. She reveals that she brought her rock collection in for science class and that was a weird bit. I guess they needed to give Stephanie a storyline.
Teddy calls and Michelle tells him to come back over. He does and she tells him he can't thumb wrestler her and has to do things like carry her books, and Teddy declares that being a boyfriend sucks and promptly breaks up with her. Michelle tells him he has a bad attitude and pleads with him to stay with her "for the children." God Michelle's an idiot.
D.J. and Kimmy come into Michelle and Stephanie's room to return a flannel D.J. had borrowed and happen upon a melancholy Michelle. Literally, nothing in this world makes me happier than a sad Olsen. She destroys all potential sympathy anyone may have possibly had for her when she asks D.J. for advice because she gets dumped all the time. D.J. corrects Michelle that she is the one who does the dumping. Michelle says either way, she's always home alone on a Saturday night. And seriously, what a little shit. At this point I would have walked out, but for some reason D.J. stays to give Michelle advice.
Eventually Becky and Stephanie file in with their own man troubles and it essentially turns into a big ol' man bashing fest. Bo-ring!
Down in the kitchen, Becky flips out on Jesse for his lack of romance, and his response? You need some fresh air. She keeps on ranting, as Jesse leads her outside where there's a hot air balloon stocked with red roses and champagne waiting for them. Jesse says something reeking of awesomeness, that every time Becky wakes up next to him, he falls in love all over again. Aww. Do you think it was awkward since Stamos and Lori Loughlin used to date in real life? I wish the show brought them back together, because I think those two crazy kids might have had a shot at love (with Tila Tequila).
We're at Michelle's class' Valentine's Day party. The girls are separated on one side of the room with the boys on the other. Their teacher encourages them all to dance, and the girls stalk their male prey. Lisa frightens the fuck out of me. I hate kids like her. Naturally, the newly single Michelle and Teddy are left sitting alone. They eventually talk and renew their friendship and dance and blah blah boring, I hate Michelle.
Joey meanwhile, goes to confront Mrs. Carruthers about all of her gifts and Secret Admirer nonsense. She mistakes his returning of gifts as gifts for her, until they clarify that she was not his admirer. She's about to jump his bones until Joey busts out his master diversion: telling Mrs. C he just saw Willard Scott in a thong. And may I say, "Ugh!"? Whenever I hear the name Willard Scott, I automatically think of all of the nonsensical rambling clips they play on "The Soup."
After Mrs. C runs off, Joey's left with Michelle's teacher, Mrs. Ullman (call her Cindy!) who reveals herself to be his secret admirer. Loser. They flirt and make promises of future dates, but as most FH romantic devices, it will fizzle out before anything ever comes to fruition and will never be mentioned past this episode.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
"Oh yeah? Well if I'm a chicken wing then you're a double decker lamewad chicken sandwich!" or Little Shop of Sweaters (2.14)
First and foremost, does anyone think it was intentional that this Valentine's episode is the fourteenth of the second season, thereby making it episode 2.14 which just so happens to be the same numbers as Valentine's Day? Or do we think it's just a happy coincidence? Ponder. Discuss. Love.
It's Valentine's Day at the Tanner's and D.J., Stephanie and Joey are in the kitchen as Jesse comes bounding down the stairs singing "My Funny Valentine." He shows off a pair of earrings to Joey that he bought for Becky. He's nervous and wants their first Valentine's together to be special. Cheese. Danny comes in bearing VDay presents for the girls. D.J.'s hoping for the royal blue sweater that she's been not-so-subtly hinting at since after Christmas.
They open their gifts, Stephanie got a lock and D.J. opens her box to reveal royal blue... socks. She tries to mask her disappointment, but Danny totally psychs her out by saying that those socks will go great with her brand new royal blue sweater! D.J. is ecstatic and Stephanie tries on the sweater and says it would make a great dress. D.J. flips a shit about Stephanie stretching her sweater out and they bicker back and forth until Danny demands they say something nice to each other. D.J. tells Stephanie she has a wonderful big sister, and Stephanie retorts that she has a wonderful little sister. D.J. outwits her by agreeing and saying that she has Michelle. Touche, D.J. Though for the record, I wholeheartedly disagree with the assertion that Michelle is wonderful.
UgBaby, meanwhile, has stalled at opening her gift and doesn't get past bow removal. The guys open her present to reveal a sweater and she takes off for the living room toting the box and ignoring the gift. Jesse suggests that next year they just get her a box.
That afternoon, D.J. and Stephanie come home from school and Stephanie notices that D.J. isn't wearing her new royal blue sweater. D.J. removes the sweater from her bag, piece by piece. Apparently during recess, D.J. took the sweater off to play soccer so it didn't get all sweaty and gross, and while it was lying on the grass, the gardener ran it over with his lawn mower. I don't think I've ever heard of a school groundskeeper referred to as a gardener. Who knows though, maybe the San Francisco public school system marches to the beat of their own drum...
Kimmy comes over with money for D.J. to buy a new sweater. Joey drops D.J., Kimmy and Stephanie off at the mall and they go into the store where D.J. finds the sweater. She also finds out that it costs a whopping $80. Problem is, she was only able to muster up $43.80 (plus 322 pennies... in cash (for the mathematically challenged, that's $47.02 in all)). The salesperson tells them that they're a little short to which Stephanie replies, "I can't help it, I'm only 6." Bwah! Stephanie then takes notice of a sign reading, "Buy Now, Pay Later" and inquires about it. The salesclerk chipperly explains the concept of credit, and like, duh, she's setting herself up to get shoplifted. Why the hell wouldn't she explain that to have credit you need a credit card, rather than let a 6 year old child think she can take something and pay for it later? Moron. Naturally Stephanie pilfers the sweater and the girls file out at the same time of another woman. The security alarm goes off and they stop the other woman as D.J. and Kimmy talk about how much they hate shoplifters. Irony!
Joey is super impressed that all of the girls were able to go into the mall for 20 minutes and not purchase a single item. Up in the girls' room, D.J. wonders how she's going to tell the guys about the sweater, and Stephanie tells them not to worry because she took care of it. She explains credit, and D.J. and Kimmy tell her that without a credit card, it's shoplifting. Danny's taking the girls out so D.J. has to wear her new sweater, so the girls find a way to conceal the security tag.
Joey and his girlfriend Cheryl, (hey remember her? I don't think they ever officially broke up, they just phased her out) are on their way to a Valentine's costume party with him dressed as Popeye and Cheryl as Olive Oyl. Maybe this was the unravelling of their relationship because Cheryl is HELLA annoying attempting to do Olive Oyl's voice. They're toting Michelle looking uglier than ever in a misshapen bald cap as Sweet Pea and I can't think of a less attractive accessory. The girls come down with their shirts rolled up on the side, and tell Danny it's the newest style. They go off of their date to see "Roger Rabbit" just as Becky and Jesse come back from a hay ride through San Francisco that's left Jesse sneezing. Jesse comments on Danny's shirt being rolled up and Danny says it's the latest style.
More Valentine's romance with Becky and Jesse, romantic music, fire, champagne, cliche. Exchange of gifts, Jesse bought Becky sapphire earrings and she got him an Elvis spoon... yeah... Jesse tells Becky he's glad she made him wait 4 months before they dated because it gave them an opportunity to become friends first and heightened the level of intimacy in their relationship. He says that he's ready to spend every weekend with her and tosses his little black book into the fire. Not every weekend though, as Becky has a date Saturday. Whore! He dives into the fire to retrieve his book and says he can get a date for Saturday too. But he catches himself and admits he doesn't want anyone but her. Becky tells him she's worried things are moving too fast and asks him to take it slow, and she says he won't have to wait long. They kiss and she says she plans on taking it slow, and we cut to commercial knowing full well that they are doing it all over the Tanner household. Twice on Michelle's bed.
The next day, D.J. brings Stephanie back to the mall to return the sweater she stole. As they enter the store the alarm goes off and they are immediately descended upon and accosted by a bitchy salesclerk. I have major beef with her attitude because yeah, they might have stolen the sweater, but it was only because she's 6 years old and was mislead by the clerk. Not to mention the fact that they were only busted for it when they came back in to return it. I mean, yeah shoplifting is a big deal, but they knew it was wrong and were trying to do right by bringing it back. Bitch! She calls the guys in and they jump to their defense... until the girls admit that Stephanie did take the sweater to replace the one D.J. had that was ruined.
Danny asks the girls why they didn't just come to him with their problem, and D.J. says she thought she could handle it herself. Danny kindly points out that that method usually gets her into more trouble. He tells them that they can always come to him and Stephanie asks if maybe he can help fix the sweater. He says he'll give it a try and is horrified as it's handed to him piece by piece by piece. He masks his horror with a chuckle saying that at least they all learned something. But, as soon as he's outside of the room and closes the door, we hear him lament, "Eighty dollars!"
D.J. thanks Stephanie for trying to help her and they say they can always count on one another for help in difficult situations and she even agrees to let Stephanie play with some of her toys. Ah, sisterly love. And see how unnecessary Michelle is?
Stay tuned, I should have all the romantic Valentine's themed episodes of "Full House" up before the day's over. Happy Valentine's Day everyone. Uncle Jesse, will you be mine?
It's Valentine's Day at the Tanner's and D.J., Stephanie and Joey are in the kitchen as Jesse comes bounding down the stairs singing "My Funny Valentine." He shows off a pair of earrings to Joey that he bought for Becky. He's nervous and wants their first Valentine's together to be special. Cheese. Danny comes in bearing VDay presents for the girls. D.J.'s hoping for the royal blue sweater that she's been not-so-subtly hinting at since after Christmas.
They open their gifts, Stephanie got a lock and D.J. opens her box to reveal royal blue... socks. She tries to mask her disappointment, but Danny totally psychs her out by saying that those socks will go great with her brand new royal blue sweater! D.J. is ecstatic and Stephanie tries on the sweater and says it would make a great dress. D.J. flips a shit about Stephanie stretching her sweater out and they bicker back and forth until Danny demands they say something nice to each other. D.J. tells Stephanie she has a wonderful big sister, and Stephanie retorts that she has a wonderful little sister. D.J. outwits her by agreeing and saying that she has Michelle. Touche, D.J. Though for the record, I wholeheartedly disagree with the assertion that Michelle is wonderful.
UgBaby, meanwhile, has stalled at opening her gift and doesn't get past bow removal. The guys open her present to reveal a sweater and she takes off for the living room toting the box and ignoring the gift. Jesse suggests that next year they just get her a box.
That afternoon, D.J. and Stephanie come home from school and Stephanie notices that D.J. isn't wearing her new royal blue sweater. D.J. removes the sweater from her bag, piece by piece. Apparently during recess, D.J. took the sweater off to play soccer so it didn't get all sweaty and gross, and while it was lying on the grass, the gardener ran it over with his lawn mower. I don't think I've ever heard of a school groundskeeper referred to as a gardener. Who knows though, maybe the San Francisco public school system marches to the beat of their own drum...
Kimmy comes over with money for D.J. to buy a new sweater. Joey drops D.J., Kimmy and Stephanie off at the mall and they go into the store where D.J. finds the sweater. She also finds out that it costs a whopping $80. Problem is, she was only able to muster up $43.80 (plus 322 pennies... in cash (for the mathematically challenged, that's $47.02 in all)). The salesperson tells them that they're a little short to which Stephanie replies, "I can't help it, I'm only 6." Bwah! Stephanie then takes notice of a sign reading, "Buy Now, Pay Later" and inquires about it. The salesclerk chipperly explains the concept of credit, and like, duh, she's setting herself up to get shoplifted. Why the hell wouldn't she explain that to have credit you need a credit card, rather than let a 6 year old child think she can take something and pay for it later? Moron. Naturally Stephanie pilfers the sweater and the girls file out at the same time of another woman. The security alarm goes off and they stop the other woman as D.J. and Kimmy talk about how much they hate shoplifters. Irony!
Joey is super impressed that all of the girls were able to go into the mall for 20 minutes and not purchase a single item. Up in the girls' room, D.J. wonders how she's going to tell the guys about the sweater, and Stephanie tells them not to worry because she took care of it. She explains credit, and D.J. and Kimmy tell her that without a credit card, it's shoplifting. Danny's taking the girls out so D.J. has to wear her new sweater, so the girls find a way to conceal the security tag.
Joey and his girlfriend Cheryl, (hey remember her? I don't think they ever officially broke up, they just phased her out) are on their way to a Valentine's costume party with him dressed as Popeye and Cheryl as Olive Oyl. Maybe this was the unravelling of their relationship because Cheryl is HELLA annoying attempting to do Olive Oyl's voice. They're toting Michelle looking uglier than ever in a misshapen bald cap as Sweet Pea and I can't think of a less attractive accessory. The girls come down with their shirts rolled up on the side, and tell Danny it's the newest style. They go off of their date to see "Roger Rabbit" just as Becky and Jesse come back from a hay ride through San Francisco that's left Jesse sneezing. Jesse comments on Danny's shirt being rolled up and Danny says it's the latest style.
More Valentine's romance with Becky and Jesse, romantic music, fire, champagne, cliche. Exchange of gifts, Jesse bought Becky sapphire earrings and she got him an Elvis spoon... yeah... Jesse tells Becky he's glad she made him wait 4 months before they dated because it gave them an opportunity to become friends first and heightened the level of intimacy in their relationship. He says that he's ready to spend every weekend with her and tosses his little black book into the fire. Not every weekend though, as Becky has a date Saturday. Whore! He dives into the fire to retrieve his book and says he can get a date for Saturday too. But he catches himself and admits he doesn't want anyone but her. Becky tells him she's worried things are moving too fast and asks him to take it slow, and she says he won't have to wait long. They kiss and she says she plans on taking it slow, and we cut to commercial knowing full well that they are doing it all over the Tanner household. Twice on Michelle's bed.
The next day, D.J. brings Stephanie back to the mall to return the sweater she stole. As they enter the store the alarm goes off and they are immediately descended upon and accosted by a bitchy salesclerk. I have major beef with her attitude because yeah, they might have stolen the sweater, but it was only because she's 6 years old and was mislead by the clerk. Not to mention the fact that they were only busted for it when they came back in to return it. I mean, yeah shoplifting is a big deal, but they knew it was wrong and were trying to do right by bringing it back. Bitch! She calls the guys in and they jump to their defense... until the girls admit that Stephanie did take the sweater to replace the one D.J. had that was ruined.
Danny asks the girls why they didn't just come to him with their problem, and D.J. says she thought she could handle it herself. Danny kindly points out that that method usually gets her into more trouble. He tells them that they can always come to him and Stephanie asks if maybe he can help fix the sweater. He says he'll give it a try and is horrified as it's handed to him piece by piece by piece. He masks his horror with a chuckle saying that at least they all learned something. But, as soon as he's outside of the room and closes the door, we hear him lament, "Eighty dollars!"
D.J. thanks Stephanie for trying to help her and they say they can always count on one another for help in difficult situations and she even agrees to let Stephanie play with some of her toys. Ah, sisterly love. And see how unnecessary Michelle is?
Stay tuned, I should have all the romantic Valentine's themed episodes of "Full House" up before the day's over. Happy Valentine's Day everyone. Uncle Jesse, will you be mine?
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
"You know, some day you're going to like boys." "But not today!" or The Wedding, Parts I and II (4.18 and 4.19)
I don't know what sort of drug-induced coma I was in for the majority of Season Four, but I at least managed to catch the most important episodes of the season:the two-parter of Jesse and Rebecca's wedding. I'll catch the rest of the episodes I missed on the next go 'round.
We open with Ug (and seriously, like who else do they ever open on?) practicing for her role as flower girl in Jesse and Becky's wedding. She's wasting an entire box of tissues, pissing off Danny all the while.
Stephanie is toting around a camcorder as her and D.J. document "The Making of a Wedding." D.J. is hosting and taking all of the credit for the video until Stephanie points out that it's a joint wedding gift and insists upon getting some props. D.J. does so grudgingly, and Stephanie also attempts to get some face time by turning the camera back on herself for a bit until D.J. yanks her away to continue filming the behind the scenes wedding drama.
Becky tells Michelle that her sister Connie and nephew Howie are back in town for the wedding. She reminds her that they were best friends, but Michelle's not feeling Howie. She better get over it soon because they're going to be roomies this weekend! Are they too young to be playing doctor? Should Danny be concerned about this co-ed cohabitation? Connie is being played by the same actress as before who was also recycled as Stephanie's messy dance teacher Karen. In Michelle and Howie's shared room, they begin arguing. Just wait til they get to the make up sex. I keed, I keed, that would be disgusting... and logistically impossible. Danny tries on his tux and his pants are too short and Becky starts freaking out. Joey comes up from trying his tux on in his room and it's much too long. Chillax Becky, they just got their pants switched.
Becky's parents are also in town (naturally), and are coming to the Tanner's to meet Jesse for the first time. Wait, what? They've been together for HOW long? If I was seeing someone, I think I'd make sure that they meet my parents sometime prior to the weekend of our wedding. Becky's father comes in through the front door all in a tizzy because apparently on the way over, he was cut off by a "hoodlum in black leather" on a motorcycle. Jesse storms through the kitchen entrance ranting about a "walnut driving 6 miles per hour." They realize immediately that they were talking about each other and I really can't believe that they never met prior to the wedding! Ridiculous!
The Donaldson's move into the kitchen where they happen upon Danny and Joey, both without pants on. Danny weakly explains that they had to switch pants because they got their tuxes confused, but the Donaldson's still look pretty appalled. Becky starts freaking out and Jesse has to calm her down. They kiss as D.J. narrates, "The last kiss before the big 'I do.' A moment to be treasured... I'm D.J. Tanner." Ha! They both turn and look at D.J. pointedly and that was pretty awesome.
Howie's in his jammies pretending he's a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. He threatens the heads of Michelle's Barbies and she gets pretty pissed.
Mr. D goes to have a talk with Jesse and tells him to call him Kenneth. Among many things, he tells Jesse how he too used to be a wild man on the rodeo circuit before he settled down for married life. Mr. D also scores an excellent barb here by telling him that he wears clothes that should be wallets. Bwah! He tells Jesse that it's about time for him to hang up his spurs and settle down. Early the next morning, Jesse tells Joey how marriage means no more adventures and that if he has any doubts he shouldn't walk down the aisle.
It's 7AM on Valentine's Day, 3 hours prior to the wedding. He's taking Joey with him to an undisclosed location. Eventually the rest of the family stirs and realizes that Jesse and Joey are missing.
Cut to Jesse and Joey seated in an airplane with Jesse suited up to skydive. His last words to Joey are that if anything should happen to him on this adventure, then he wants him to marry Becky. With that, Jesse leaps from the plane and Joey looks on with horror as he realizes that Jesse has jumped without his... mousse.
The family is gathered at the church with the girls wearing their peach nightmares of bridesmaid dresses. Michelle spies Howie in his tux and proclaims him to be a "hunk." If the crib's a rockin'... ugh, I've just thoroughly disgusted myself. Danny's spreading the word that the groom is missing and everyone is relieved when Joey shows up. But there's a look of panic across Joey's face when he realizes that Jesse has yet to make it to the church. Cut to Jesse stuck in a tree. Ruh Roh! And so ends part one...
Ugh, for some reason, recapping duties for part two falls on the shoulders of Ug. Why do they do this to me?
Picking up where we left off, Jesse's parachute has left him caught in and hanging from a tree. A tomato truck takes notice of him and stops to offer a hand. Problem is, the driver figures he can get Jesse down in 2-3 hours. Obviously that sort of time frame isn't going to work out for the Jess man and he unclips his release and free-falls into the massive amounts of tomatoes in the back of the truck.
Tomato truck driver is PISSED, especially when Jesse casually suggests that he make ketch-up out of the squashed tomatoes. What Jesse doesn't know is that he's in "Tomato Country" and telling someone to "go make ketch-up" is the equivalent of telling them to fuck themselves... I think. To make matters worse, Jesse attempts to steal the tomato truck and make a getaway, but as he gets inside, a cop pulls up. Busted!
D.J. and Stephanie are still filming away at the church. Methinks this isn't something that Becky's going to want to relive. They interview a hungry Joey and also manage to get Becky's concerned yet furious words for Jesse. Danny's on the phone trying to track down Jesse and finally Jesse calls... from Tomato Country prison. Becky borrows her father's car keys to go bail her man out of the slammer.
She shows up livid and wondering why in the hell he chose the morning of their wedding to jump out of the plane. When he explains why he wanted to have one last adventure, she tells him that marriage is going to be the greatest adventure and that they can try new and exciting things together. They kiss and the cop is so touched, he drops the charges on account of it being Valentine's Day.
They run outside just in time to see Mr. Donaldson's car towed. Wow is he going to be PISSED! They manage to get a ride on a bus carrying a gospel choir who recognize Becky from WUSF. They're so star-struck they even let her drive the bus. Man, I hope she's licensed to do that. Then I remember she's from Nebraska, so she probably is. The choir sings during the drive and when they pull up to the church they file in behind Jesse and Rebecca.
Finally it's time for the wedding. Michelle begins her flower girl procession and runs out of rose petals halfway down the aisle. You suck! You suck! You suck! We don't even get to see D.J. and Stephanie walk down the aisle, and I'm assuming it's because Jesse didn't have any ushers and they didn't want to address that.
It's vow time and rather than recite pretty words, Jesse does his in song. Oh yes, it's time for "Forever." ["If every word I said, could make you laugh, I'd talk forever..." I could go on and do the whole thing, and you know that you could too!] The music swells as the gospel choir chimes in and I must confess, it sounds great. Over the musical interlude, they play a photo montage of the two actors as babies, then children, teens, and ends with some of Jesse & Becky's classic romantic moments. It's actually a pretty nice touch.
Back to the wedding, Becky has joined Jesse on the piano bench and sings the final verse in "Forever" with him. Aww, I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Jesse Katsopolis.
Because of the time lapse due to Jesse's temporary incarceration, they lost the hall for the wedding reception so it's being held at the Tanner's house. I can't even believe that they weren't just planning to have it there from the get-go. D.J. busts Michelle eyeing the cake in the kitchen and tells her to back off. Ug quips that she's "just looking" and man I wish D.J. would backhand her monkey-faced ass.
Time for the first dance as man and wife. Jesse and Becky preface their selection by explaining that he wanted to select an Elvis song and Becky preferred a ballad, and I call shenanigans because Elvis had ballads. Hello? "Can't Help Falling in Love" is one of my all-time favorites! How could they overlook this perfect solution to their quandary? Instead, Jesse launches into a slow ballad-y version of "Jailhouse Rock" until Becky tells them to hit it, and everyone rocks out. Unfortunately, "everyone" also includes Howie and Michelle who do some stupid kid dance that some may find "cute."
There's a montage of scenes from the reception including cutting the cake and shoving it in each other's faces. Time for a segue rant. I absolutely abhor the tradition of smashing cake into the bride or groom's face. I just think it's gross and shows a great amount of disrespect to do that to someone you're supposed to love and be partners with. I just find it to be very low-brow and trashy. My sister and mom feel the same way. Maybe we're just snobs, but I don't think I'm alone here.
D.J. catches the bouquet and years were just removed from Danny's life. Michelle catches the garter, and I think it's always a small child who catches it because it's hilariously inappropriate. Becky and Jesse change clothes and ride off on Jesse's harley to celebrate their honeymoon. Aww yay, Just Married.
We open with Ug (and seriously, like who else do they ever open on?) practicing for her role as flower girl in Jesse and Becky's wedding. She's wasting an entire box of tissues, pissing off Danny all the while.
Stephanie is toting around a camcorder as her and D.J. document "The Making of a Wedding." D.J. is hosting and taking all of the credit for the video until Stephanie points out that it's a joint wedding gift and insists upon getting some props. D.J. does so grudgingly, and Stephanie also attempts to get some face time by turning the camera back on herself for a bit until D.J. yanks her away to continue filming the behind the scenes wedding drama.
Becky tells Michelle that her sister Connie and nephew Howie are back in town for the wedding. She reminds her that they were best friends, but Michelle's not feeling Howie. She better get over it soon because they're going to be roomies this weekend! Are they too young to be playing doctor? Should Danny be concerned about this co-ed cohabitation? Connie is being played by the same actress as before who was also recycled as Stephanie's messy dance teacher Karen. In Michelle and Howie's shared room, they begin arguing. Just wait til they get to the make up sex. I keed, I keed, that would be disgusting... and logistically impossible. Danny tries on his tux and his pants are too short and Becky starts freaking out. Joey comes up from trying his tux on in his room and it's much too long. Chillax Becky, they just got their pants switched.
Becky's parents are also in town (naturally), and are coming to the Tanner's to meet Jesse for the first time. Wait, what? They've been together for HOW long? If I was seeing someone, I think I'd make sure that they meet my parents sometime prior to the weekend of our wedding. Becky's father comes in through the front door all in a tizzy because apparently on the way over, he was cut off by a "hoodlum in black leather" on a motorcycle. Jesse storms through the kitchen entrance ranting about a "walnut driving 6 miles per hour." They realize immediately that they were talking about each other and I really can't believe that they never met prior to the wedding! Ridiculous!
The Donaldson's move into the kitchen where they happen upon Danny and Joey, both without pants on. Danny weakly explains that they had to switch pants because they got their tuxes confused, but the Donaldson's still look pretty appalled. Becky starts freaking out and Jesse has to calm her down. They kiss as D.J. narrates, "The last kiss before the big 'I do.' A moment to be treasured... I'm D.J. Tanner." Ha! They both turn and look at D.J. pointedly and that was pretty awesome.
Howie's in his jammies pretending he's a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. He threatens the heads of Michelle's Barbies and she gets pretty pissed.
Mr. D goes to have a talk with Jesse and tells him to call him Kenneth. Among many things, he tells Jesse how he too used to be a wild man on the rodeo circuit before he settled down for married life. Mr. D also scores an excellent barb here by telling him that he wears clothes that should be wallets. Bwah! He tells Jesse that it's about time for him to hang up his spurs and settle down. Early the next morning, Jesse tells Joey how marriage means no more adventures and that if he has any doubts he shouldn't walk down the aisle.
It's 7AM on Valentine's Day, 3 hours prior to the wedding. He's taking Joey with him to an undisclosed location. Eventually the rest of the family stirs and realizes that Jesse and Joey are missing.
Cut to Jesse and Joey seated in an airplane with Jesse suited up to skydive. His last words to Joey are that if anything should happen to him on this adventure, then he wants him to marry Becky. With that, Jesse leaps from the plane and Joey looks on with horror as he realizes that Jesse has jumped without his... mousse.
The family is gathered at the church with the girls wearing their peach nightmares of bridesmaid dresses. Michelle spies Howie in his tux and proclaims him to be a "hunk." If the crib's a rockin'... ugh, I've just thoroughly disgusted myself. Danny's spreading the word that the groom is missing and everyone is relieved when Joey shows up. But there's a look of panic across Joey's face when he realizes that Jesse has yet to make it to the church. Cut to Jesse stuck in a tree. Ruh Roh! And so ends part one...
Ugh, for some reason, recapping duties for part two falls on the shoulders of Ug. Why do they do this to me?
Picking up where we left off, Jesse's parachute has left him caught in and hanging from a tree. A tomato truck takes notice of him and stops to offer a hand. Problem is, the driver figures he can get Jesse down in 2-3 hours. Obviously that sort of time frame isn't going to work out for the Jess man and he unclips his release and free-falls into the massive amounts of tomatoes in the back of the truck.
Tomato truck driver is PISSED, especially when Jesse casually suggests that he make ketch-up out of the squashed tomatoes. What Jesse doesn't know is that he's in "Tomato Country" and telling someone to "go make ketch-up" is the equivalent of telling them to fuck themselves... I think. To make matters worse, Jesse attempts to steal the tomato truck and make a getaway, but as he gets inside, a cop pulls up. Busted!
D.J. and Stephanie are still filming away at the church. Methinks this isn't something that Becky's going to want to relive. They interview a hungry Joey and also manage to get Becky's concerned yet furious words for Jesse. Danny's on the phone trying to track down Jesse and finally Jesse calls... from Tomato Country prison. Becky borrows her father's car keys to go bail her man out of the slammer.
She shows up livid and wondering why in the hell he chose the morning of their wedding to jump out of the plane. When he explains why he wanted to have one last adventure, she tells him that marriage is going to be the greatest adventure and that they can try new and exciting things together. They kiss and the cop is so touched, he drops the charges on account of it being Valentine's Day.
They run outside just in time to see Mr. Donaldson's car towed. Wow is he going to be PISSED! They manage to get a ride on a bus carrying a gospel choir who recognize Becky from WUSF. They're so star-struck they even let her drive the bus. Man, I hope she's licensed to do that. Then I remember she's from Nebraska, so she probably is. The choir sings during the drive and when they pull up to the church they file in behind Jesse and Rebecca.
Finally it's time for the wedding. Michelle begins her flower girl procession and runs out of rose petals halfway down the aisle. You suck! You suck! You suck! We don't even get to see D.J. and Stephanie walk down the aisle, and I'm assuming it's because Jesse didn't have any ushers and they didn't want to address that.
It's vow time and rather than recite pretty words, Jesse does his in song. Oh yes, it's time for "Forever." ["If every word I said, could make you laugh, I'd talk forever..." I could go on and do the whole thing, and you know that you could too!] The music swells as the gospel choir chimes in and I must confess, it sounds great. Over the musical interlude, they play a photo montage of the two actors as babies, then children, teens, and ends with some of Jesse & Becky's classic romantic moments. It's actually a pretty nice touch.
Back to the wedding, Becky has joined Jesse on the piano bench and sings the final verse in "Forever" with him. Aww, I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Jesse Katsopolis.
Because of the time lapse due to Jesse's temporary incarceration, they lost the hall for the wedding reception so it's being held at the Tanner's house. I can't even believe that they weren't just planning to have it there from the get-go. D.J. busts Michelle eyeing the cake in the kitchen and tells her to back off. Ug quips that she's "just looking" and man I wish D.J. would backhand her monkey-faced ass.
Time for the first dance as man and wife. Jesse and Becky preface their selection by explaining that he wanted to select an Elvis song and Becky preferred a ballad, and I call shenanigans because Elvis had ballads. Hello? "Can't Help Falling in Love" is one of my all-time favorites! How could they overlook this perfect solution to their quandary? Instead, Jesse launches into a slow ballad-y version of "Jailhouse Rock" until Becky tells them to hit it, and everyone rocks out. Unfortunately, "everyone" also includes Howie and Michelle who do some stupid kid dance that some may find "cute."
There's a montage of scenes from the reception including cutting the cake and shoving it in each other's faces. Time for a segue rant. I absolutely abhor the tradition of smashing cake into the bride or groom's face. I just think it's gross and shows a great amount of disrespect to do that to someone you're supposed to love and be partners with. I just find it to be very low-brow and trashy. My sister and mom feel the same way. Maybe we're just snobs, but I don't think I'm alone here.
D.J. catches the bouquet and years were just removed from Danny's life. Michelle catches the garter, and I think it's always a small child who catches it because it's hilariously inappropriate. Becky and Jesse change clothes and ride off on Jesse's harley to celebrate their honeymoon. Aww yay, Just Married.
Monday, February 11, 2008
"Mr. Tanner, your daughter is the most beautiful woman in the world." "She's okay." or Greek Week (4.1)
Yessssssssss! Finally the Greeks are coming to San Francisco! Half of me loves this episode because I'm part Greek and everything Greek is awesome (namely the food and dancing and the "Opah!"), but the other half of me absolutely abhors this episode because it features both Olsen twins onscreen at the same time. TWO "Michelle's"! The horror! THE HORROR! I'll try to be brave.
Anyway, the Greeks have all flown into town to celebrate Papouli and YiaYia's 50th wedding anniversary. Ugh, and here she comes. Melina, Jesse's goddaughter who was never mentioned before and will never be mentioned again, is one of the Olsen's donning a brown wig. Thankfully because she's Greek, she doesn't speak too much. I heard that one of the Olsen's was considerably less into acting and sucked a lot more, so I'm guessing that's the one portraying Melina. I can't remember which one it was, but I'm sure it's easily googlable.
Also in the Greek troupe is Silvio, who apparently has been staring at and subsequently masturbating to D.J.'s picture since he hit puberty. He tells her that she's even more beautiful than person which is met with an "Oh Mylanta!" from a swooning D.J. She goes off to show Silvio around San Fran and Danny gives Stephanie strict instructions to keep a watchful eye on D.J., Silvio and their raging hormones.
Rounding out this motley crew of Greeks is Elena, Silvio's older sister who comes in and makes a beeline straight for Jesse and greats him with a big ol' kiss on the lips, much to the chagrin of Becky. Apparently Elena and Jesse were childhood sweethearts when he visited Greece as a boy and he can't believe Little Elena has grown into such a sexified woman. He introduces Little Elena to Big Becky.
Papouli refers to Silvio as a young Jesse and Danny's life just got a whole lot worse with that bit of information. D.J. and Silvio come back from a tour of the town and they kiss and walk around the table. Jesse mentions that he remembers doing that walking around the table ritual with Elena when they were younger and she's ecstatic that he remembered after all of these years. Apparently in Greek culture, that walk around the table symbolizes marriage. D.J. and Jesse have some excellent "Oh shit!" faces when they realize they just got married.
Now at the 50th wedding anniversary, everyone's having a rip-roaring great Greek time. Naturally Becky is PISSED and she begins smashing plates all over the place. Unfortunately, this doesn't really carry the kind of emotion she's trying to convey because you know us Greeks love smashing us some plates all over the place at all of our happy celebrations! Jesse goes to Elena and tells her that he has to break it off because he's so in love with Becky. Becky and Danny lead both newlywed couples over to Papouli and ask that they be granted divorces.
Luckily for them, according to Papouli, because no farm animals changed hands, divorce is possible. And how do they go about it, you ask? Why by simply walking around the table backwards! You know, I love my Greek heritage and all, but I sincerely doubt these marriages and divorces would hold up in a court of law.
Silvio and Elena commiserate over the fact that they travelled 12,000 miles for divorces and regret that they didn't opt for a trip to Disneyland instead.
Onto more blissful marriages... Papouli makes a really beautiful toast to his wife and I get a little verklempt. Inspired by this display of true everlasting love, Jesse gets down on one knee and proposes to Becky who tearfully accepts.
This happy moment is ruined by the international twins of Ug who remind me of those creepy girls from "The Shining" do an annoying dance to some traditional Greek music. They can't send little Melina back soon enough.
Anyway, the Greeks have all flown into town to celebrate Papouli and YiaYia's 50th wedding anniversary. Ugh, and here she comes. Melina, Jesse's goddaughter who was never mentioned before and will never be mentioned again, is one of the Olsen's donning a brown wig. Thankfully because she's Greek, she doesn't speak too much. I heard that one of the Olsen's was considerably less into acting and sucked a lot more, so I'm guessing that's the one portraying Melina. I can't remember which one it was, but I'm sure it's easily googlable.
Also in the Greek troupe is Silvio, who apparently has been staring at and subsequently masturbating to D.J.'s picture since he hit puberty. He tells her that she's even more beautiful than person which is met with an "Oh Mylanta!" from a swooning D.J. She goes off to show Silvio around San Fran and Danny gives Stephanie strict instructions to keep a watchful eye on D.J., Silvio and their raging hormones.
Rounding out this motley crew of Greeks is Elena, Silvio's older sister who comes in and makes a beeline straight for Jesse and greats him with a big ol' kiss on the lips, much to the chagrin of Becky. Apparently Elena and Jesse were childhood sweethearts when he visited Greece as a boy and he can't believe Little Elena has grown into such a sexified woman. He introduces Little Elena to Big Becky.
Papouli refers to Silvio as a young Jesse and Danny's life just got a whole lot worse with that bit of information. D.J. and Silvio come back from a tour of the town and they kiss and walk around the table. Jesse mentions that he remembers doing that walking around the table ritual with Elena when they were younger and she's ecstatic that he remembered after all of these years. Apparently in Greek culture, that walk around the table symbolizes marriage. D.J. and Jesse have some excellent "Oh shit!" faces when they realize they just got married.
Now at the 50th wedding anniversary, everyone's having a rip-roaring great Greek time. Naturally Becky is PISSED and she begins smashing plates all over the place. Unfortunately, this doesn't really carry the kind of emotion she's trying to convey because you know us Greeks love smashing us some plates all over the place at all of our happy celebrations! Jesse goes to Elena and tells her that he has to break it off because he's so in love with Becky. Becky and Danny lead both newlywed couples over to Papouli and ask that they be granted divorces.
Luckily for them, according to Papouli, because no farm animals changed hands, divorce is possible. And how do they go about it, you ask? Why by simply walking around the table backwards! You know, I love my Greek heritage and all, but I sincerely doubt these marriages and divorces would hold up in a court of law.
Silvio and Elena commiserate over the fact that they travelled 12,000 miles for divorces and regret that they didn't opt for a trip to Disneyland instead.
Onto more blissful marriages... Papouli makes a really beautiful toast to his wife and I get a little verklempt. Inspired by this display of true everlasting love, Jesse gets down on one knee and proposes to Becky who tearfully accepts.
This happy moment is ruined by the international twins of Ug who remind me of those creepy girls from "The Shining" do an annoying dance to some traditional Greek music. They can't send little Melina back soon enough.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
"I lost him! I lost a whole Beach Boy!" or Our Very First Telethon (3.24)
Everyone pop some corn and get your checkbooks ready, it's time for the We [Heart] Our Children Telethon '90!
We kick it off with some more of Joey's crappy stand-up which he uses as a bizarre segue into a magic trick. I find this ironic because I seem to recall an episode where Joey dissed magicians, but whatever, we already know Joey's a douche. His trick consists of putting Becky into one of those boxes and cutting her into thirds. Apparently magic tricks (or "Illusions" as Gob would say on "Arrested Developmet") are a little more difficult than Mr. Gladstone thought, because he can't complete the trick and leaves Becky stuck in the box.
Becky starts getting pissed because she's supposed to be a part of the next act, singing a duet with Danny. For some reason, they can't shake up their set list, so the music begins and Danny comes out and begins singing with Becky while Joey furiously works to release her. They warble through some ballad about what they'd do for love, all the while with Becky shooting some verbal barbs at Danny and like, what is she pissed at him for? Yeah, you're stuck in a box and that sucks, but why is that Danny's fault? He's just trying to keep the show rolling. Eventually Becky is released for the final notes of the song.
Time elapses and everyone else gets to go home and get some rest except for Danny. Apparently he's the predominant host and they don't have anyone to relieve him for a few hours. Danny finally succumbs to fatigue and passes out. By this time the rest of the Tanner clan have made their way back to the telethon studio and do their best to fill the void left by an unconscious Danny. Seriously though, it's only 24 hours... you're not that old Danny, and it's not that hard to go 24 hrs straight, but whatever.
Jesse sings with Michelle and then she performs the alphabet and naturally the producer of the telethon is less than thrilled with this display of "talent." Jesse and Joey take over hosting duties and like, where the eff is Becky? I know she went home to sleep, but I was under the impression this was a WUSF thing, so why don't they make her ass cover for Danny for a while? Or why didn't they work it out that they hosted the telethon in shifts with minor overlap so that they could each share equal parts hosting with equal resting time?
Stephanie then does a wicked badass, and very 1990 dance to "Love Shack." The guys ask D.J. to sing some song that she always does for Michelle. They get her a shopping cart and oversized lollipop from somewhere and she serenades Michelle with a song about lollipops and gummi bears and are you sure they didn't plan this? Joey takes the microphone and starts engaging in a horrific Steven Tyler impersonation. Thankfully, Jesse stops him before he completely butchers "Janie's Got a Gun."
The get a call from someone who is willing to pledge $200 if she can see Kimmy Gibbler ride her unicycle to "Saber Dance (in G)". Jesse attempts to deny the request by saying that unfortunately, Kimmy and her unicycle are nowhere to be found, but he's interrupted by Kimmy riding out from backstage on said unicycle. She yells out "Thanks Mom!" and circles the stage. The circus music and mobile Gibbler is enough to finally stir Danny from his 4 hour slumber.
Mike Love of the Beach Boys shows up and agrees to perform "Be True to Your School" on the condition that they bring the cheerleaders over to flank him and shake their pom pom's, if ya know what I mean. Jesse always has to be center of attention and engages in an excessively long drum solo. The song is enough to put the grand total from the telethon over the $1 million mark and Danny is elated. Aren't we all?
We kick it off with some more of Joey's crappy stand-up which he uses as a bizarre segue into a magic trick. I find this ironic because I seem to recall an episode where Joey dissed magicians, but whatever, we already know Joey's a douche. His trick consists of putting Becky into one of those boxes and cutting her into thirds. Apparently magic tricks (or "Illusions" as Gob would say on "Arrested Developmet") are a little more difficult than Mr. Gladstone thought, because he can't complete the trick and leaves Becky stuck in the box.
Becky starts getting pissed because she's supposed to be a part of the next act, singing a duet with Danny. For some reason, they can't shake up their set list, so the music begins and Danny comes out and begins singing with Becky while Joey furiously works to release her. They warble through some ballad about what they'd do for love, all the while with Becky shooting some verbal barbs at Danny and like, what is she pissed at him for? Yeah, you're stuck in a box and that sucks, but why is that Danny's fault? He's just trying to keep the show rolling. Eventually Becky is released for the final notes of the song.
Time elapses and everyone else gets to go home and get some rest except for Danny. Apparently he's the predominant host and they don't have anyone to relieve him for a few hours. Danny finally succumbs to fatigue and passes out. By this time the rest of the Tanner clan have made their way back to the telethon studio and do their best to fill the void left by an unconscious Danny. Seriously though, it's only 24 hours... you're not that old Danny, and it's not that hard to go 24 hrs straight, but whatever.
Jesse sings with Michelle and then she performs the alphabet and naturally the producer of the telethon is less than thrilled with this display of "talent." Jesse and Joey take over hosting duties and like, where the eff is Becky? I know she went home to sleep, but I was under the impression this was a WUSF thing, so why don't they make her ass cover for Danny for a while? Or why didn't they work it out that they hosted the telethon in shifts with minor overlap so that they could each share equal parts hosting with equal resting time?
Stephanie then does a wicked badass, and very 1990 dance to "Love Shack." The guys ask D.J. to sing some song that she always does for Michelle. They get her a shopping cart and oversized lollipop from somewhere and she serenades Michelle with a song about lollipops and gummi bears and are you sure they didn't plan this? Joey takes the microphone and starts engaging in a horrific Steven Tyler impersonation. Thankfully, Jesse stops him before he completely butchers "Janie's Got a Gun."
The get a call from someone who is willing to pledge $200 if she can see Kimmy Gibbler ride her unicycle to "Saber Dance (in G)". Jesse attempts to deny the request by saying that unfortunately, Kimmy and her unicycle are nowhere to be found, but he's interrupted by Kimmy riding out from backstage on said unicycle. She yells out "Thanks Mom!" and circles the stage. The circus music and mobile Gibbler is enough to finally stir Danny from his 4 hour slumber.
Mike Love of the Beach Boys shows up and agrees to perform "Be True to Your School" on the condition that they bring the cheerleaders over to flank him and shake their pom pom's, if ya know what I mean. Jesse always has to be center of attention and engages in an excessively long drum solo. The song is enough to put the grand total from the telethon over the $1 million mark and Danny is elated. Aren't we all?
Saturday, February 9, 2008
"In Illinois, we used to roast weenies and burp tupperware!" or Fraternity Reunion (3.23)
Danny and Joey are getting geared up for their fraternity reunion and are doing so by singing their frat song. Jesse, the only true Greek in the house, comes into the kitchen after being tagged on his motorcycle by a hot pink spray-paint wielding vandal. He's got a pink stripe running down his helmet as well as the back of his leather jacket. Man, that sucks, I bet that shit was expensive.
Danny and Joey provide a little exposition as they explain how back in the day, Danny disgraced the fraternity by allowing their rival sorority to steal their mascot, a seal. I'm surprised that Danny's invite didn't get lost in the mail. Joey and Danny plot to steal the seal back to get back in the good graces.
Meanwhile, Kimmy and D.J. are doing their homework and need to watch the news to do so. Unfort, they also "need" to watch MTV, what are they to do? They decide to carry the really heavy, large television up to D.J. and Stephanie's room, rather than transport their much smaller television down to the living room. I think we all know where this is headed. While balancing the television atop the railing, Kimmy's shit gets caught underneath, and when she yanks it free, the poor television goes toppling down to the floor and smashes.
The guys hear the commotion and come a-running. Apparently, Danny feels as strongly about the almighty T.V. as I do, and flips a shit. He blames Kimmy for all of the mischief D.J. finds herself into and banishes her from the Tanner home. Harsh!
Later D.J. and Stephanie are at the kitchen table and do some weird sort of "Stomp"-esque routine involving plastic cups and clapping and whatnots, and it's pretty impressive, albeit completely random.
Danny and Joey leave, dressed in drag, preparing to infiltrate the rival sorority. Their cover story is that they're from one of the midwest chapters, you know, because they're homely [To any of my readers who may be from the midwest, I keed I keed! Three of my best friends are from Wisconsin! Save the hate mail.] They see the seal, and it's such a ghetto stuffed animal, I can't even believe that that's their precious mascot. I had stuffed animal seals when I was a kid that were way better than that mess.
A lecherous waiter who kind of resembles Stephen King hits on Danny. Danny is understandably creeped out and Joey tells him to not settle for less than a doctor. As a waitress who serves many doctors who prove on a nightly basis that money can't buy class, I speak for all of my fellow servers when I say, Blow it out your ass, Gladstone! For some unexplained reason, this group of 30-something sorority hags decide to have a limbo contest. And because Joey's a total idiot, he declares himself a "limbo bimbo" and proceeds to go down low and lose his wig in the process. Busted!
Danny grabs the seal and they try to make a break for it, passing it back and forth, pursued by the sorority hags until they are finally tackled and tickled down to the ground. They come up handcuffed and think it's a joke, but it turns out one of the hags is actually a cop. Double busted for grand theft seal! The icing on the cake, the waiter comes back and snatches his number away from Danny calling him a tease. Bwah!
Down at the precint, Danny and Joey are being tormented and asked if they're there for a "fashion violation." The guys didn't bring any money in their purses and are unable to make bail, and the sorority hag cop is being a total C-U-next-Tuesday about the whole mess. Bitch, get over yourself. I hate sorority ho's [again, no offense to my possible sorority girl readers, but I've never met one I've jived with].
Danny uses his phone call to call D.J. and tells her to get his checkbook from his room and call Becky or Claire to come bail him out. D.J., who was supposed to be teaching UgTot Patty Cake, leaves her in the lurch. I laugh at Michelle's unhappiness.
Danny returns to the cell that's full of menacing looking thugs who just happen to be huge fans of WUSF and Danny! Ha! Danny Tanner has a huge prison following. I don't know why that makes me so happy, but it does.
Kimmy is at the Tanner's. Stephanie begins to protest that she's been banned, but D.J. called her to come baby-sit the girls while she goes down to bail Danny out of jail. Becky and Grandma were nowhere to be found and wow, way to be great emergency contacts when a 13 year old girl is alone baby-sitting her little sisters. Hey... where the hell is Jesse? D.J. calls a cab to go down to the clink, leaving Kimmy to teach Michelle patty-cake. Dammit. Why does she always get her way?
In Danny and Joey's cell, the thugs are performing a rousing rendition of "New York, New York" complete with a dance routine! Bravo! Bravo! Encore. D.J. comes in and then sorority hag cop bitch snatch face finally decides to drop the charges. About fucking time. Nevermind the fact that you forced a 13 year old girl to take a cab unaccompanied just so you could win your petty pissing contest. What a wench. Why don't you clean some of the sand out of your vagina? Man sobriety is taking it's toll on my tolerance of annoying fictional television characters...
Danny, Joey and D.J. come home, the guys still in drag, and are met with shocked expressions from the girls and this awesome dialogue:
Michelle: "Daddy, you're a girl!"
Stephanie: "No. He's a woman."
Kimmy: "An UGLY woman!"
Pure brilliance. Danny doesn't lay into Kimmy when he realizes that she covered his ass and Stephanie even vouches for her as being a great baby-sitter. She even hugs her goodnight. Before you become baffled by this display of utter character inconsistency, Stephanie catches herself and can't believe she hugged Kimmy. Danny's feeling generous and reduces Kimmy's banishment to one week.
Danny then turns on Joey and blames him for all of the trouble they got into that night because self-responsibility isn't a fave pastime of Danno's. D.J. points out the parallels of their friendship and D.J. and Kimmy's and how even though Kimmy and Joey often find themselves in mischief, they make their lives more exciting. They hug it out (Man Love!).
Jesse comes in from a motorcycle ride through nature (oh, so THAT'S where he was) and Danny is now in man clothes but missed one of the pearl earrings, which Jesse totally bags him on after a lengthy rant. Busted! Again! This is like the 4th time tonight! Tough night all around for the Tall Geeky Giant.
Danny and Joey provide a little exposition as they explain how back in the day, Danny disgraced the fraternity by allowing their rival sorority to steal their mascot, a seal. I'm surprised that Danny's invite didn't get lost in the mail. Joey and Danny plot to steal the seal back to get back in the good graces.
Meanwhile, Kimmy and D.J. are doing their homework and need to watch the news to do so. Unfort, they also "need" to watch MTV, what are they to do? They decide to carry the really heavy, large television up to D.J. and Stephanie's room, rather than transport their much smaller television down to the living room. I think we all know where this is headed. While balancing the television atop the railing, Kimmy's shit gets caught underneath, and when she yanks it free, the poor television goes toppling down to the floor and smashes.
The guys hear the commotion and come a-running. Apparently, Danny feels as strongly about the almighty T.V. as I do, and flips a shit. He blames Kimmy for all of the mischief D.J. finds herself into and banishes her from the Tanner home. Harsh!
Later D.J. and Stephanie are at the kitchen table and do some weird sort of "Stomp"-esque routine involving plastic cups and clapping and whatnots, and it's pretty impressive, albeit completely random.
Danny and Joey leave, dressed in drag, preparing to infiltrate the rival sorority. Their cover story is that they're from one of the midwest chapters, you know, because they're homely [To any of my readers who may be from the midwest, I keed I keed! Three of my best friends are from Wisconsin! Save the hate mail.] They see the seal, and it's such a ghetto stuffed animal, I can't even believe that that's their precious mascot. I had stuffed animal seals when I was a kid that were way better than that mess.
A lecherous waiter who kind of resembles Stephen King hits on Danny. Danny is understandably creeped out and Joey tells him to not settle for less than a doctor. As a waitress who serves many doctors who prove on a nightly basis that money can't buy class, I speak for all of my fellow servers when I say, Blow it out your ass, Gladstone! For some unexplained reason, this group of 30-something sorority hags decide to have a limbo contest. And because Joey's a total idiot, he declares himself a "limbo bimbo" and proceeds to go down low and lose his wig in the process. Busted!
Danny grabs the seal and they try to make a break for it, passing it back and forth, pursued by the sorority hags until they are finally tackled and tickled down to the ground. They come up handcuffed and think it's a joke, but it turns out one of the hags is actually a cop. Double busted for grand theft seal! The icing on the cake, the waiter comes back and snatches his number away from Danny calling him a tease. Bwah!
Down at the precint, Danny and Joey are being tormented and asked if they're there for a "fashion violation." The guys didn't bring any money in their purses and are unable to make bail, and the sorority hag cop is being a total C-U-next-Tuesday about the whole mess. Bitch, get over yourself. I hate sorority ho's [again, no offense to my possible sorority girl readers, but I've never met one I've jived with].
Danny uses his phone call to call D.J. and tells her to get his checkbook from his room and call Becky or Claire to come bail him out. D.J., who was supposed to be teaching UgTot Patty Cake, leaves her in the lurch. I laugh at Michelle's unhappiness.
Danny returns to the cell that's full of menacing looking thugs who just happen to be huge fans of WUSF and Danny! Ha! Danny Tanner has a huge prison following. I don't know why that makes me so happy, but it does.
Kimmy is at the Tanner's. Stephanie begins to protest that she's been banned, but D.J. called her to come baby-sit the girls while she goes down to bail Danny out of jail. Becky and Grandma were nowhere to be found and wow, way to be great emergency contacts when a 13 year old girl is alone baby-sitting her little sisters. Hey... where the hell is Jesse? D.J. calls a cab to go down to the clink, leaving Kimmy to teach Michelle patty-cake. Dammit. Why does she always get her way?
In Danny and Joey's cell, the thugs are performing a rousing rendition of "New York, New York" complete with a dance routine! Bravo! Bravo! Encore. D.J. comes in and then sorority hag cop bitch snatch face finally decides to drop the charges. About fucking time. Nevermind the fact that you forced a 13 year old girl to take a cab unaccompanied just so you could win your petty pissing contest. What a wench. Why don't you clean some of the sand out of your vagina? Man sobriety is taking it's toll on my tolerance of annoying fictional television characters...
Danny, Joey and D.J. come home, the guys still in drag, and are met with shocked expressions from the girls and this awesome dialogue:
Michelle: "Daddy, you're a girl!"
Stephanie: "No. He's a woman."
Kimmy: "An UGLY woman!"
Pure brilliance. Danny doesn't lay into Kimmy when he realizes that she covered his ass and Stephanie even vouches for her as being a great baby-sitter. She even hugs her goodnight. Before you become baffled by this display of utter character inconsistency, Stephanie catches herself and can't believe she hugged Kimmy. Danny's feeling generous and reduces Kimmy's banishment to one week.
Danny then turns on Joey and blames him for all of the trouble they got into that night because self-responsibility isn't a fave pastime of Danno's. D.J. points out the parallels of their friendship and D.J. and Kimmy's and how even though Kimmy and Joey often find themselves in mischief, they make their lives more exciting. They hug it out (Man Love!).
Jesse comes in from a motorcycle ride through nature (oh, so THAT'S where he was) and Danny is now in man clothes but missed one of the pearl earrings, which Jesse totally bags him on after a lengthy rant. Busted! Again! This is like the 4th time tonight! Tough night all around for the Tall Geeky Giant.
Friday, February 8, 2008
"Who wanted to talk to him?" or Three Men and Another Baby (3.22)
Sobriety has like restored my energy. Who knew that by not drinking I could wake up before noon? Plus, I've been working on a bunch of new art projects... damn, why didn't I cut back on boozing sooner? Plus, now I can do more blogging!
Another nauseating UgTot-centric opening. This time it's Joey betting Michelle a kiss that he can make a flower dance. It's one of those dancing flowers that move when you play music or make noise near them. Naturally he wins the bet and goes to collect his kiss. Ew.
Danny meanwhile, is in the kitchen unaware of the budding pedophilia transpiring in the living room. Apparently it's Friday, which is "Mop 'til you Drop" day and Danny has managed to mop himself into a corner. He's sitting atop the kitchen counter.
Comet's being a bad puppy and is in desperate need of some obedience school. The neighbors need the Tanner's to baby-sit their son Tony, and it looks like the same parents that D.J. sat for when she was trying to earn money for her own phone. Becky is cooking dinner for the family, which should be interesting. Even though Danny was the one who agreed to sit for Tony, he leaves to take Comet to obedience school, saddling Jesse & Joey with the task of baby-sitting. I was about to argue about how unfair that was, until I remembered that J&J are mooches living under Danny's roof. If he needs them to scrub the skidmarks out of his undies, they better do it and do it with a smile. Not that Danny Tanner ever has skidmarks in his underwear, Danny Tanner knows how to wipe!
Joey goes to help D.J. with her math homework, leaving Jesse and Becky to look after Tony. Helping with D.J.'s homework is a lot like when I help my BFF do his math homework; I pretty much do it all while he talks on the phone to Kimmy Gibbler. It's some word problem about nuts (Hee!)
Baby Tony, meanwhile, has taken an immediate liking to Uncle Jesse. They put him down for a nap in Michelle's old crib and Jesse serenades him with "Goodnight My Love," a lullaby formerly popularized during Michelle's bedtimes. UgTot is getting totally depressed and emo about being neglected by Jesse and my heart swells with glee. Sad Michelle=Happy Milkman.
Becky's cooking something fierce for dinner, some sort of spicy chicken and pasta dish.
And now Michelle's annoying levels skyrocket off of the charts. She starts acting like a (bigger) baby to try and get attention from Jesse. Seriously, I can't even get into all of the annoying shit that she does because my Michelle hatred knows no bounds in this episode. Becky suggests that Jesse try to reward her for "big girl behavior" and I say, why not just punish the little ho?
Joey attempted to answer the word problem by calling the nut store (Hee! Also, are there strictly nut stores? I've never seen like a nut emporium...) He comes to D.J. thinking he's got everything figured out, but she already got the answer by calling her school's Homework Hotline for help. Luckily for Joey, she's got a whole 'nother set of word problems for Joey to do, instructing him to make sure to show all of his work.
Jesse goes to D.J. and Steph for suggestions of big girl rewards for their horribly fugly bratty sister, and they attempt to give away one another's toys. D.J. tries to sell her on Mr. Bear, whereas Stephanie campaigns for Michelle to select D.J.'s Pillow Person. We can all tell that Stephanie's about to get the short end of this deal because Mr. Bear is the shit, and who the fuck would want a crappy Pillow Person? Poor Stephanie, obviously Michelle takes Mr. Bear and how can they even ask her to part with him especially after the time Michelle hid him and Stephanie was totally distraught.
UgTot continues to act like a complete and total shithead baby. Stephanie calls shenanigans on the whole ordeal and insists that Mr. Bear be returned because Michelle isn't upholding her part of the deal of being a big girl. She refuses. HATE! How is it possible to hate a fictional toddler so fucking much?
Danny comes home with Comet from obedience school and is notified of the Michelle issue. He tells them that they just need to talk to her like a big girl. Yeah right, Danny, like that idiot would understand. Michelle whines that Jesse "likes Tony better than [her]" and it's just like, well yeah duh, who wouldn't? Jesse has a stupid talk about being a big girl with Ug and there's giggles, kisses and hugs and I just died a little on the inside. Finally, Michelle returns Mr. Bear to Stephanie and for some reason, Stephanie's all thankful and says "Oh Michelle, I love you so much." Whatever. That little shit was going to keep him! If I was Steph I would have just marched in there and seized Mr. Bear back. Look how much bigger you are than her! Those Olsen's must have worked some voodoo on the writers to have this kind of bullshit dialogue.
Ug exclaims "Everybody loves me!" and like fucking really? Really? More like nobody loves you. God, that's annoying. Michelle and Tony are lyk super kewl BFFs now, and man, Tony's a chubby baby.
Another nauseating UgTot-centric opening. This time it's Joey betting Michelle a kiss that he can make a flower dance. It's one of those dancing flowers that move when you play music or make noise near them. Naturally he wins the bet and goes to collect his kiss. Ew.
Danny meanwhile, is in the kitchen unaware of the budding pedophilia transpiring in the living room. Apparently it's Friday, which is "Mop 'til you Drop" day and Danny has managed to mop himself into a corner. He's sitting atop the kitchen counter.
Comet's being a bad puppy and is in desperate need of some obedience school. The neighbors need the Tanner's to baby-sit their son Tony, and it looks like the same parents that D.J. sat for when she was trying to earn money for her own phone. Becky is cooking dinner for the family, which should be interesting. Even though Danny was the one who agreed to sit for Tony, he leaves to take Comet to obedience school, saddling Jesse & Joey with the task of baby-sitting. I was about to argue about how unfair that was, until I remembered that J&J are mooches living under Danny's roof. If he needs them to scrub the skidmarks out of his undies, they better do it and do it with a smile. Not that Danny Tanner ever has skidmarks in his underwear, Danny Tanner knows how to wipe!
Joey goes to help D.J. with her math homework, leaving Jesse and Becky to look after Tony. Helping with D.J.'s homework is a lot like when I help my BFF do his math homework; I pretty much do it all while he talks on the phone to Kimmy Gibbler. It's some word problem about nuts (Hee!)
Baby Tony, meanwhile, has taken an immediate liking to Uncle Jesse. They put him down for a nap in Michelle's old crib and Jesse serenades him with "Goodnight My Love," a lullaby formerly popularized during Michelle's bedtimes. UgTot is getting totally depressed and emo about being neglected by Jesse and my heart swells with glee. Sad Michelle=Happy Milkman.
Becky's cooking something fierce for dinner, some sort of spicy chicken and pasta dish.
And now Michelle's annoying levels skyrocket off of the charts. She starts acting like a (bigger) baby to try and get attention from Jesse. Seriously, I can't even get into all of the annoying shit that she does because my Michelle hatred knows no bounds in this episode. Becky suggests that Jesse try to reward her for "big girl behavior" and I say, why not just punish the little ho?
Joey attempted to answer the word problem by calling the nut store (Hee! Also, are there strictly nut stores? I've never seen like a nut emporium...) He comes to D.J. thinking he's got everything figured out, but she already got the answer by calling her school's Homework Hotline for help. Luckily for Joey, she's got a whole 'nother set of word problems for Joey to do, instructing him to make sure to show all of his work.
Jesse goes to D.J. and Steph for suggestions of big girl rewards for their horribly fugly bratty sister, and they attempt to give away one another's toys. D.J. tries to sell her on Mr. Bear, whereas Stephanie campaigns for Michelle to select D.J.'s Pillow Person. We can all tell that Stephanie's about to get the short end of this deal because Mr. Bear is the shit, and who the fuck would want a crappy Pillow Person? Poor Stephanie, obviously Michelle takes Mr. Bear and how can they even ask her to part with him especially after the time Michelle hid him and Stephanie was totally distraught.
UgTot continues to act like a complete and total shithead baby. Stephanie calls shenanigans on the whole ordeal and insists that Mr. Bear be returned because Michelle isn't upholding her part of the deal of being a big girl. She refuses. HATE! How is it possible to hate a fictional toddler so fucking much?
Danny comes home with Comet from obedience school and is notified of the Michelle issue. He tells them that they just need to talk to her like a big girl. Yeah right, Danny, like that idiot would understand. Michelle whines that Jesse "likes Tony better than [her]" and it's just like, well yeah duh, who wouldn't? Jesse has a stupid talk about being a big girl with Ug and there's giggles, kisses and hugs and I just died a little on the inside. Finally, Michelle returns Mr. Bear to Stephanie and for some reason, Stephanie's all thankful and says "Oh Michelle, I love you so much." Whatever. That little shit was going to keep him! If I was Steph I would have just marched in there and seized Mr. Bear back. Look how much bigger you are than her! Those Olsen's must have worked some voodoo on the writers to have this kind of bullshit dialogue.
Ug exclaims "Everybody loves me!" and like fucking really? Really? More like nobody loves you. God, that's annoying. Michelle and Tony are lyk super kewl BFFs now, and man, Tony's a chubby baby.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Bear with me the next 46 days...
I'm going to be more hateful than ever in my blogs because it's Lent time! And for some reason, I decided to give up booze for Lent, so now I'm actually going to have to face all of my life's problems head-on. Yikes. No weed, either. It's going to be a long ass 46 days. But hey, maybe now I'll blog even more! On the other hand, I'm going to try and be healthier; my friend just sent me some old pics from Cinco de Mayo and I was a fine-ass bitch! So I'm going to work out, eat healthier and all that nonsense, and by eliminating the booze and the drugs, I'll probably be back to Cinco de Mayo fabulous by the end of Lent. Yaaaay Jesus!
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
"I'm in the house and I'm still in the car" or Honey I Broke the House (3.20)
To complete my hat trick for this truly Super Tuesday, I leave you with my pal Lisa's favorite FH episode, the one where Stephanie crashes the car into the house. Enjoy.
Joey's playing wiffleball in the backyard with UgTot who's moronic ass doesn't know how to run the bases. Joey tells her to run home and she runs inside the house. Stupid ass. I hate lame puns. You've just cheapened the entire experience of this episode for me, writers! Thanks a lot!
D.J. is up in her room doing homework with Kimmy, sharing headphones and listening to Milli Vanilli. They break into occasional bursts of "Blame it on the rain, yeah-ee-yeah!" Stephanie comes in wanting to play a game with the girls. She gets rebuffed and makes a few more desperate pleas for attention from D.J. and Kimmy, and eventually gives up. She tries her luck with Danny and Becky, but they are too busy working on their next episode of WUSF. She finds Jesse and tries to tell him a story about her day, but he's already heard it.
Now scoring 0-3, Stephanie goes to her last resort, Joey. He's out back working on his brand new used car, Rosie. He notices that Rosie has a knick in the paint and asks Stephanie to watch over the car while he runs to the store for some touch-up paint.
Stephanie sits inside the car and is playing pretend driver, and decides that she wants to listen to some music while she's in there. So, she turns the car on. Because Stephanie's apparently afflicted with the same brand of stupid that Michelle is, she thinks that the R standing for reverse means radio. Um, okay. You know I love me some Steph, but seriously? She's like 8 and doesn't know that the radio is controlled by the dials in the middle console.
Time for my (not so) random segue of the recap!: This kind of reminds me of a story that happened between two of my co-workers a week or two ago. We'll call them Scuba and Chops. Scuba moved into Chops' house and after about a week, it was clear that it was a bad idea. They sometimes get along but more often than not, annoy the piss out of each other. But, Scuba and Chops went out to eat and drink at our neighboring restaurant. And although Chops hadn't had all that much to drink, he has a pretty well-documented history of drug use. Anyway, so Chops has a few drinks and gets himself to the point of passing out onto the table in this fine dining restaurant. This type of behavior can get us fired, so Scuba was kind enough to pick Chops up and carry him out to his car to wait while Scuba and his ladyfriend finished their meals and drinks [Side note: Chops doesn't have a car of his own]. Before he left, Chops asked Scuba to turn the radio on in the car. And because Scuba is a moron, he did and left Chops in the car, drunk almost to the point of unconsciousness, along with his keys in the ignition. He went back into the restaurant and when he came back out, obviously his car was gone, taken by the drunken madman. And because Scuba is really the biggest idiot ever, he proceeded to call a cab, NOT call the cops on his drunk roommate joyriding in his car around town, and got drunk in our bar whilst waiting for the cab. He never even yelled at Chops for this incident. He is like the biggest pussy ever.
Anyway so Stephanie puts the car into reverse and backs it through the kitchen window. Maybe it's different in older cars, but in every car I've ever driven you need to push down the brake pedal to change gears, and there's no way Stephanie would have been able to reach the pedal and hold it down while shifting. But, again, I'm kind of cranky and might be nitpicky and certainly don't have a vast knowledge of the mechanics of an older automobile.
D.J. and Kimmy are still doing homework but are now listening to and singing Paula Abdul's "Straight Up Now Tell Me" (is it gonna be you and me forever? Oh oh oh!)(Sorry, I totally used to rock out to "Shut Up and Dance"). Michelle tells D.J. that there's a car in the house but because Michelle's an idiot, D.J. gives her the brush-off. Stephanie packs a suitcase and we hear a horn honk, it's her ride to dance class.
Later, D.J. and Kimmy venture down to the kitchen for a snack and finally see the car. Their reaction? "Whoa baby!" D.J. asks how Joey's car got into the kitchen and Michelle answers, "Through the window." I almost laugh. Almost. Jesse comes in carrying groceries that obscure his vision, but when he sees the car he says (what else?) "Have mercy!"
Danny comes home through the front door and calls out "Where is everybody?" Kimmy, forever the queen of tact and finesse quips, "In your new garage!" Danny comes in and despite the initial shock, he makes sure that everyone is uninjured and I've got to say, he's taking it fairly well. I mean, there's a freaking car in his kitchen! Finally he asks where Joey is.
Becky is in her apartment and there's a knock on the door. It's Stephanie. She had her carpool drop her off so that she could say goodbye. Stephanie doesn't get a chance to explain what she did that's causing her to run away because then Jesse arrives at the door. He's bearing roses and an apology for being a douche earlier about Becky having lunch with some guy. Stephanie hides in the closet and Jesse thinks it's that McIntire guy that Becky was supposed to go out with. He pulls open the door to reveal Stephanie hiding in a large trench coat that's hanging on the door. He asks what she's doing here and she again goes for the cheap pun of "Just hanging around." Man, the writers didn't really work their brains too hard with this episode, did they? She tells Jesse and Becky about crashing the car into the house and they convince her to go home and face Danny.
Back at the Tanner's Joey comes home with his touch-up paint, completely oblivious to the new location of his precious Rosie. Thankfully he's met by UgTot with one of her obnoxious trademarked catchphrases: "You're in big trouble, mister." Somebody slap her! Stephanie comes home and confesses to everyone what she did and apologizes profusely. The irony of the situation? Joey reveals that the radio didn't even work! Ha! I'll forgive the writer's for those cheap jokes earlier for that delicious plot twist.
Stephanie launches into a long self-deprecating speech about hating herself and banishing herself under her covers until she's married. Danny gently points out that she may have some difficulty finding a spouse under there. She acknowledges that she's in for a big time punishment because she wrecked Joey's car and broke the house. Danny tells her that even though she will be punished, the car and the house can be fixed but there's only one Stephanie Judith Tanner and she can't ever be replaced and that's something he thinks about every day. Stephanie tells her Dad that she loves him and we close on a warm fuzzy home with a gaping hole that will be fixed by the next episode and never heard from again.
Joey's playing wiffleball in the backyard with UgTot who's moronic ass doesn't know how to run the bases. Joey tells her to run home and she runs inside the house. Stupid ass. I hate lame puns. You've just cheapened the entire experience of this episode for me, writers! Thanks a lot!
D.J. is up in her room doing homework with Kimmy, sharing headphones and listening to Milli Vanilli. They break into occasional bursts of "Blame it on the rain, yeah-ee-yeah!" Stephanie comes in wanting to play a game with the girls. She gets rebuffed and makes a few more desperate pleas for attention from D.J. and Kimmy, and eventually gives up. She tries her luck with Danny and Becky, but they are too busy working on their next episode of WUSF. She finds Jesse and tries to tell him a story about her day, but he's already heard it.
Now scoring 0-3, Stephanie goes to her last resort, Joey. He's out back working on his brand new used car, Rosie. He notices that Rosie has a knick in the paint and asks Stephanie to watch over the car while he runs to the store for some touch-up paint.
Stephanie sits inside the car and is playing pretend driver, and decides that she wants to listen to some music while she's in there. So, she turns the car on. Because Stephanie's apparently afflicted with the same brand of stupid that Michelle is, she thinks that the R standing for reverse means radio. Um, okay. You know I love me some Steph, but seriously? She's like 8 and doesn't know that the radio is controlled by the dials in the middle console.
Time for my (not so) random segue of the recap!: This kind of reminds me of a story that happened between two of my co-workers a week or two ago. We'll call them Scuba and Chops. Scuba moved into Chops' house and after about a week, it was clear that it was a bad idea. They sometimes get along but more often than not, annoy the piss out of each other. But, Scuba and Chops went out to eat and drink at our neighboring restaurant. And although Chops hadn't had all that much to drink, he has a pretty well-documented history of drug use. Anyway, so Chops has a few drinks and gets himself to the point of passing out onto the table in this fine dining restaurant. This type of behavior can get us fired, so Scuba was kind enough to pick Chops up and carry him out to his car to wait while Scuba and his ladyfriend finished their meals and drinks [Side note: Chops doesn't have a car of his own]. Before he left, Chops asked Scuba to turn the radio on in the car. And because Scuba is a moron, he did and left Chops in the car, drunk almost to the point of unconsciousness, along with his keys in the ignition. He went back into the restaurant and when he came back out, obviously his car was gone, taken by the drunken madman. And because Scuba is really the biggest idiot ever, he proceeded to call a cab, NOT call the cops on his drunk roommate joyriding in his car around town, and got drunk in our bar whilst waiting for the cab. He never even yelled at Chops for this incident. He is like the biggest pussy ever.
Anyway so Stephanie puts the car into reverse and backs it through the kitchen window. Maybe it's different in older cars, but in every car I've ever driven you need to push down the brake pedal to change gears, and there's no way Stephanie would have been able to reach the pedal and hold it down while shifting. But, again, I'm kind of cranky and might be nitpicky and certainly don't have a vast knowledge of the mechanics of an older automobile.
D.J. and Kimmy are still doing homework but are now listening to and singing Paula Abdul's "Straight Up Now Tell Me" (is it gonna be you and me forever? Oh oh oh!)(Sorry, I totally used to rock out to "Shut Up and Dance"). Michelle tells D.J. that there's a car in the house but because Michelle's an idiot, D.J. gives her the brush-off. Stephanie packs a suitcase and we hear a horn honk, it's her ride to dance class.
Later, D.J. and Kimmy venture down to the kitchen for a snack and finally see the car. Their reaction? "Whoa baby!" D.J. asks how Joey's car got into the kitchen and Michelle answers, "Through the window." I almost laugh. Almost. Jesse comes in carrying groceries that obscure his vision, but when he sees the car he says (what else?) "Have mercy!"
Danny comes home through the front door and calls out "Where is everybody?" Kimmy, forever the queen of tact and finesse quips, "In your new garage!" Danny comes in and despite the initial shock, he makes sure that everyone is uninjured and I've got to say, he's taking it fairly well. I mean, there's a freaking car in his kitchen! Finally he asks where Joey is.
Becky is in her apartment and there's a knock on the door. It's Stephanie. She had her carpool drop her off so that she could say goodbye. Stephanie doesn't get a chance to explain what she did that's causing her to run away because then Jesse arrives at the door. He's bearing roses and an apology for being a douche earlier about Becky having lunch with some guy. Stephanie hides in the closet and Jesse thinks it's that McIntire guy that Becky was supposed to go out with. He pulls open the door to reveal Stephanie hiding in a large trench coat that's hanging on the door. He asks what she's doing here and she again goes for the cheap pun of "Just hanging around." Man, the writers didn't really work their brains too hard with this episode, did they? She tells Jesse and Becky about crashing the car into the house and they convince her to go home and face Danny.
Back at the Tanner's Joey comes home with his touch-up paint, completely oblivious to the new location of his precious Rosie. Thankfully he's met by UgTot with one of her obnoxious trademarked catchphrases: "You're in big trouble, mister." Somebody slap her! Stephanie comes home and confesses to everyone what she did and apologizes profusely. The irony of the situation? Joey reveals that the radio didn't even work! Ha! I'll forgive the writer's for those cheap jokes earlier for that delicious plot twist.
Stephanie launches into a long self-deprecating speech about hating herself and banishing herself under her covers until she's married. Danny gently points out that she may have some difficulty finding a spouse under there. She acknowledges that she's in for a big time punishment because she wrecked Joey's car and broke the house. Danny tells her that even though she will be punished, the car and the house can be fixed but there's only one Stephanie Judith Tanner and she can't ever be replaced and that's something he thinks about every day. Stephanie tells her Dad that she loves him and we close on a warm fuzzy home with a gaping hole that will be fixed by the next episode and never heard from again.
"What's a hug compared to the joy of opening one's wallet?" or Those Better Not Be the Days (3.19)
This is hands down one of my favorite FH episodes only for the amazing dream sequence of what the Tanner household would be in the future if the girls remain selfish brats... but I'm getting ahead of myself.
We kick off with another creepy Jesse and Michelle segment. He's attempting to teach her her left from her right in a "hilarious" dialogue that's attempting to achieve a "Who's on first?" type of humor. It doesn't work. Not that "Who's on first?" is all that funny anyway, but maybe I'm just a cynic.
D.J. and Stephanie barge in in a cloud of brattiness, getting ready to go to the amusement park with the Gibbler's. D.J. apparently demanded that Danny clean and press her sweater, but upon receiving it, she crams it into her backpack. Joey got Stephanie's camera ready for the day, loaded with a brand new roll of film, and at the last moment she decides not to bring it. Jesse comes into the room with a map of the park with all of the best attractions mapped out for them. The girls only have one ride in mind and Jesse sadly crumbles the map he spent all day marking up for them. I'm already seething at the girls' selfish brattiness, and it bothers me because they never normally act like this. It's totally inconsistent to their characters. MICHELLE is the brat! Come on, people!
Unfortunately it's raining, so the amusement park is a no-go. Kimmy managed to piss of her parents and has been grounded to the Tanner's house. If I didn't enjoy Kimmy's presence, I'd comment on the ballsiness of the Gibblers, but whatevs.
Jesse and Becky had planned to have a romantic picnic, but the rain forced them to relocate to inside. Jesse tries to suggest moving the picnic to Becky's apartment, but Stephanie butts in and tells them to have it here. And better yet, do it in her room and she'll join them! I think one of my biggest beefs with this show is the fact that these grown ass men bend to every whim of some bratty kids. I mean, hello? You're an adult, fucking act like it. I'll be damned if I ever let a snot-nosed brat control my life. I mean, yeah, when you have kids they're a priority, but you still need to be the one laying down the law and setting the rules. No way my kids will be running around all willy nilly and interrupting my sexytime picnics! No way, no how.
D.J. then turns to Danny and demands that he bring her and Kimmy to the movies. Instead of calling her on her rudeness then and there, he agrees and then complains about it later. As much as I do agree that the girls are being total bitches, the guys act like spineless pussies and just take all of their abuse. Again, see above sentiment and assert yourself as the fucking adult in this situation. Sorry for the rant, but I just hate ineffective parenting. Maybe I'll sing a different tune when I have kids myself, but most likely not. I'll always be the HBIC (TM New York).
Joey gets off easy playing hide and seek with Michelle. I say easy only because there's less demanding due to limited vocabulary, but he does have to look at her ugly mug, which is punishment enough. Danny returns with D.J. and Kimmy who are chastising him for the movie being sold out. They blame it on his slow driving. And he just takes it. Seriously Danny! Grow a pair! Jesse and Becky come down from their picnic in Stephanie's room, where Stephanie apparently ate all of the caviar. Becky tells her that she's glad she enjoyed it and then turns to Danny and tells him straight up that he owes her $200 for it. Haha, rule with an iron fist, Beck-a-tron! The girls demand to be taken to the ice rink to go skating and leave to find their skates without awaiting a reply.
The guys sink down into the kitchen chairs and complain about how selfish the girls are acting and how they've heard nothing but demands all afternoon without so much as a single "please" or "thank you." They come up with the brilliant idea to play role reversal and let the girls act as the parents and they will take their turn in acting like selfish brats. Um, whatever floats your boat I guess. I'm all for raising voices and harsh disciplinarian action! Punish dem ho's! The girls come in with all of their skating gear, ready to go when Danny springs this new idea for a game to them. They're excited to exercise their newfound authority and do so by first ordering the guy's to clean their rooms before watching television. Jesse and Joey grumble, but Danny smirks because naturally his room's already immaculate.
It's lunchtime and the guys sit and wait for the girls to prepare their lunches for them. They act like fussy brats and reject their sandwiches and make the process of pouring drinks quite difficult. Not quite grasping the parallels of their bratty behavior, D.J. gets fed up and sends them all to their room. Jesse's miffed, "Oh great game Danny. Now we're being punished." Jesse and Danny sneak down to Joey's room and he freaks out, worrying about the trouble they'll get into if the girls discover them. Danny laments that his plan has backfired and the girls haven't been taught anything by this experiment. The guys then imagine how life would be if the girls continue down this path and are still living at home. And thus begins the most awesome dream sequence ever.
Somehow, in his older years, Danny adopted Judaism right down to the Yiddish accent. Oh...kay. He's toting a dustbuster and I'm happy to report that he's still a lean mean cleaning machine. Not quite as lean is Joey, who is a total fatass with a mustache. Jesse is wearing his jungle jammies and rocking a fierce mullet toupe. Becky comes in sporting a massive badonkadonk booty. Jesse attempts to unleash his catchphrase, but can't get past, "Have..." Danny suggests "...a nice bowl of Cream of Wheat?" Rebecca, fed up, yells, "Have MERCY, you old poop!" Jesse stubbornly insists that that's not it, and finally settles on "Have... pity?" Becky boasts that her main squeeze Jess is the world's oldest Elvis impersonator. I'd believe it. Jesse accuses the guys of checking out Becky to which Yiddish Danny awesomely replies, "Where am I supposed to look? Your woman is EVERYWHERE!"
The girls start yelling for their breakfast and the guys tray it up and deliver it to them upstairs. The girls are still brats, and Kimmy Gibbler pops in for a visit. She's now superhot and the guys nearly fall over themselves when they see her. Adult Michelle is possibly borderline retarded, and coincidentally is played by Dave Coulier's real-life spouse of 2 years, Jayne Modean. Danny says, "She was so smart when she was 3..." Man, I love this bit. I literally laugh my ass off at the guys as old men. The girls make their demands and take off and the guys tumble onto one of the beds fighting and you can just tell that they were having a great time shooting this scene.
Back to reality, Danny says that they can all learn a lot from that story. Joey: "Yeah, I'm going to start being a lot nicer to Kimmy Gibbler." Heh. Lech. The girls bust the guys down in Joey's room and as they launch into a lengthy lecture, the logistics of the experiment and the parallels of their behavior dawns on D.J. The girls apologize for being selfish brats and vow to stop taking the guys for granted. Lesson learned.
We kick off with another creepy Jesse and Michelle segment. He's attempting to teach her her left from her right in a "hilarious" dialogue that's attempting to achieve a "Who's on first?" type of humor. It doesn't work. Not that "Who's on first?" is all that funny anyway, but maybe I'm just a cynic.
D.J. and Stephanie barge in in a cloud of brattiness, getting ready to go to the amusement park with the Gibbler's. D.J. apparently demanded that Danny clean and press her sweater, but upon receiving it, she crams it into her backpack. Joey got Stephanie's camera ready for the day, loaded with a brand new roll of film, and at the last moment she decides not to bring it. Jesse comes into the room with a map of the park with all of the best attractions mapped out for them. The girls only have one ride in mind and Jesse sadly crumbles the map he spent all day marking up for them. I'm already seething at the girls' selfish brattiness, and it bothers me because they never normally act like this. It's totally inconsistent to their characters. MICHELLE is the brat! Come on, people!
Unfortunately it's raining, so the amusement park is a no-go. Kimmy managed to piss of her parents and has been grounded to the Tanner's house. If I didn't enjoy Kimmy's presence, I'd comment on the ballsiness of the Gibblers, but whatevs.
Jesse and Becky had planned to have a romantic picnic, but the rain forced them to relocate to inside. Jesse tries to suggest moving the picnic to Becky's apartment, but Stephanie butts in and tells them to have it here. And better yet, do it in her room and she'll join them! I think one of my biggest beefs with this show is the fact that these grown ass men bend to every whim of some bratty kids. I mean, hello? You're an adult, fucking act like it. I'll be damned if I ever let a snot-nosed brat control my life. I mean, yeah, when you have kids they're a priority, but you still need to be the one laying down the law and setting the rules. No way my kids will be running around all willy nilly and interrupting my sexytime picnics! No way, no how.
D.J. then turns to Danny and demands that he bring her and Kimmy to the movies. Instead of calling her on her rudeness then and there, he agrees and then complains about it later. As much as I do agree that the girls are being total bitches, the guys act like spineless pussies and just take all of their abuse. Again, see above sentiment and assert yourself as the fucking adult in this situation. Sorry for the rant, but I just hate ineffective parenting. Maybe I'll sing a different tune when I have kids myself, but most likely not. I'll always be the HBIC (TM New York).
Joey gets off easy playing hide and seek with Michelle. I say easy only because there's less demanding due to limited vocabulary, but he does have to look at her ugly mug, which is punishment enough. Danny returns with D.J. and Kimmy who are chastising him for the movie being sold out. They blame it on his slow driving. And he just takes it. Seriously Danny! Grow a pair! Jesse and Becky come down from their picnic in Stephanie's room, where Stephanie apparently ate all of the caviar. Becky tells her that she's glad she enjoyed it and then turns to Danny and tells him straight up that he owes her $200 for it. Haha, rule with an iron fist, Beck-a-tron! The girls demand to be taken to the ice rink to go skating and leave to find their skates without awaiting a reply.
The guys sink down into the kitchen chairs and complain about how selfish the girls are acting and how they've heard nothing but demands all afternoon without so much as a single "please" or "thank you." They come up with the brilliant idea to play role reversal and let the girls act as the parents and they will take their turn in acting like selfish brats. Um, whatever floats your boat I guess. I'm all for raising voices and harsh disciplinarian action! Punish dem ho's! The girls come in with all of their skating gear, ready to go when Danny springs this new idea for a game to them. They're excited to exercise their newfound authority and do so by first ordering the guy's to clean their rooms before watching television. Jesse and Joey grumble, but Danny smirks because naturally his room's already immaculate.
It's lunchtime and the guys sit and wait for the girls to prepare their lunches for them. They act like fussy brats and reject their sandwiches and make the process of pouring drinks quite difficult. Not quite grasping the parallels of their bratty behavior, D.J. gets fed up and sends them all to their room. Jesse's miffed, "Oh great game Danny. Now we're being punished." Jesse and Danny sneak down to Joey's room and he freaks out, worrying about the trouble they'll get into if the girls discover them. Danny laments that his plan has backfired and the girls haven't been taught anything by this experiment. The guys then imagine how life would be if the girls continue down this path and are still living at home. And thus begins the most awesome dream sequence ever.
Somehow, in his older years, Danny adopted Judaism right down to the Yiddish accent. Oh...kay. He's toting a dustbuster and I'm happy to report that he's still a lean mean cleaning machine. Not quite as lean is Joey, who is a total fatass with a mustache. Jesse is wearing his jungle jammies and rocking a fierce mullet toupe. Becky comes in sporting a massive badonkadonk booty. Jesse attempts to unleash his catchphrase, but can't get past, "Have..." Danny suggests "...a nice bowl of Cream of Wheat?" Rebecca, fed up, yells, "Have MERCY, you old poop!" Jesse stubbornly insists that that's not it, and finally settles on "Have... pity?" Becky boasts that her main squeeze Jess is the world's oldest Elvis impersonator. I'd believe it. Jesse accuses the guys of checking out Becky to which Yiddish Danny awesomely replies, "Where am I supposed to look? Your woman is EVERYWHERE!"
The girls start yelling for their breakfast and the guys tray it up and deliver it to them upstairs. The girls are still brats, and Kimmy Gibbler pops in for a visit. She's now superhot and the guys nearly fall over themselves when they see her. Adult Michelle is possibly borderline retarded, and coincidentally is played by Dave Coulier's real-life spouse of 2 years, Jayne Modean. Danny says, "She was so smart when she was 3..." Man, I love this bit. I literally laugh my ass off at the guys as old men. The girls make their demands and take off and the guys tumble onto one of the beds fighting and you can just tell that they were having a great time shooting this scene.
Back to reality, Danny says that they can all learn a lot from that story. Joey: "Yeah, I'm going to start being a lot nicer to Kimmy Gibbler." Heh. Lech. The girls bust the guys down in Joey's room and as they launch into a lengthy lecture, the logistics of the experiment and the parallels of their behavior dawns on D.J. The girls apologize for being selfish brats and vow to stop taking the guys for granted. Lesson learned.
"I know, but this is a show people I know watch!" or Mr. Egghead (3.18)
Thanks for the awesome feedback re: Spin the Bottle. I have the night off of work so I'm expecting to crank out a few recaps for your viewing pleasure today/tonight.
We open with what some may construe as a "cute" Michelle moment. Unfortunately, I blacked out from my repulsion and am unable to recap what happened here. I'm quite sure that none of you will be upset about that considering that Michelle's annoyance is totally dominating the polls.
Stephanie meanwhile, asks Uncle Jesse to help her practice taking pictures for her class photo. Apparently last year she wa caught mid-sneeze and was labeled "Sneezeburger" by her peers. And I have to ask, what is with all of these San Francisco kids using "burger" at the end of every insult? UgTot fugs her way into the room and brats, "Are you having fun without me?" Ho, every moment you're far away from me is a barrel of fun.
D.J. and Danny come in, Danny outraged by the fact that he received a ticket on their drive home. Apparently he was in a right turn only lane but the sign was obscured by an overgrown bush (Hee! Dirty!). D.J. is Danny's witness to the lack of sign visibility and offers to come to court with him to fight the ticket, especially if he can do it the same day as her big test. In lighter news... I guess, Danny got Joey an audition for the children's show, "Mr. Egghead." D.J. wisely questions Joey's abilities to fill the shoes of the old Mr. Egghead and doubts his knowledge of science. I'm sure this, like many other of Joey's hidden talents, will be completely glossed over. Joey begs and eventually recruits Jesse to be his musical sidekick, The Professor.
Danny preps D.J. for their court appearance and instructs her to wear all blue, because studies have proven that juries are sympathetic to the color. Um, hate to burst your legal bubble Dan-O, but they don't really summon a jury for a minor traffic infraction. Stephanie is bouncing off the walls with excitement about her upcoming week: Wednesday her class gets to visit the set of the Mr. Egghead show, Thursday is class picture day and Friday is pizza day. Hey, I'm with you Steph. That sounds like a bombass week.
And it's apparently Wednesday because here were are on "Mr. Egghead." And Walter, you remember Walter, don't you? A.K.A. "Ducklips"? Well since we last saw him, Ducklips Walter went from shy quiet dork to a loud annoying know-it-all. The topic of the day on "Mr. Egghead" is Energy. Joey, and his lack of qualifications tells us that energy is the ability to do work and can be found all around us in things like the sun, muscles and man, what a snoozefest. Joey is certainly no Bill Nye or even Beakman.
Joey points out that there's even energy in Walter who poses the question of how the speed of light is calculated in a black hole. The hell? What kind of little kid asks that shit? Dork! I might even go so far as to invoke the sacred nomenclature "Dorkus Malorkus." Joey redirects the question to the Professor who provides this excellent response: "Walter, I'm going to tell you what my Dad told me: look it up!" Ha! Zing! Man, Jesse does look 10x foxier in his spectacles.
Joey selects Stephanie to assist them in today's "egg-speriment." Walter's annoying ass informs everyone that Stephanie and Mr. Egghead live together and call shenanigans on this mess. The class begins a chant of "Fix!" which Jesse exacerbates by joining in with the musical accompaniment in the form of baseball's "Charge!" theme. Joey chastises him for "egging" them on. The machinery required for the experiment isn't working and Walter talks more shit and Jesse suggests that he show himself to the "Egg-xit." Man, I can't wait til we're done with these egg puns.
As Joey attempts to fix the energy machine, Stephanie entertains the "crowd" (as this is merely an audition and aside from her classmates, there's no audience watching) with a rousing rendition of "Tomorrow." As she's warbling, the machine springs to life and the boxing glove hurls forward catching Stephanie right in the nose. It's pretty funny, but I can't help but wish it was Michelle getting smacked in the face.
Joey and Jesse bring Stephanie home from the hospital and she just has a little bandage on her nose. Of course Stephanie laments that picture day is ruined and Joey is ridden with guilt. He tries to compensate with a plethora of gifts and Joey is shitting his pants in fear of telling Danny that he broke Stephanie's nose. Relax Joe, it's not his firstborn of his precious princess, it's his forgotten middle child. I'm sure he won't mind all that much.
Unfortunately for Joe Schmoe, Danny comes back in a less than stellar mood. While he was arguing his ticket, his car got towed. It ended up costing him $100 to beat a $30 ticket. To brighten things up, Danny asks Joey how his Mr. Egghead audition went. Joey tells him that he was fired and booed off the stage. Um, can you really be fired from an audition? It's not like you actually had the job... Joey dodges around the reasoning but naturally, UgTot is there to pipe in with, "Joey broke Steffy's nose!" Danny rushes off to check on Stephanie, and Joey follows, still trying to buy her forgiveness. She asks for a big screen television, which D.J. fully supports.
The next day is the epic class picture day and after leaving for school, Stephanie then sneaks back into the house. Michelle finds her, but since she is an easily manipulated idiot toddler, Stephanie gets her to go make her a sandwich and bring it to her upstairs. Unfortunately, stealth is not part of Ug's repertoire and Joey busts her. He follows her upstairs and finds Stephanie and allows himself to be guilted into letting her stay home. Jesse, not being the one who busted the poor child's nose, is a little tougher to crack and insists that she return to school.
He brings her to school and they are met by Joey who arrived earlier to provide the entire glass with those joke glasses with the nose and mustache attached. They take a photo with everyone wearing the glasses and then do one without. And honestly, it's just a small bandage! She doesn't even look that bad. But I mean, it IS elementary school and kids are totally callous douchebags and Stephanie's my favorite, so I'll let this whole incident slide.
We open with what some may construe as a "cute" Michelle moment. Unfortunately, I blacked out from my repulsion and am unable to recap what happened here. I'm quite sure that none of you will be upset about that considering that Michelle's annoyance is totally dominating the polls.
Stephanie meanwhile, asks Uncle Jesse to help her practice taking pictures for her class photo. Apparently last year she wa caught mid-sneeze and was labeled "Sneezeburger" by her peers. And I have to ask, what is with all of these San Francisco kids using "burger" at the end of every insult? UgTot fugs her way into the room and brats, "Are you having fun without me?" Ho, every moment you're far away from me is a barrel of fun.
D.J. and Danny come in, Danny outraged by the fact that he received a ticket on their drive home. Apparently he was in a right turn only lane but the sign was obscured by an overgrown bush (Hee! Dirty!). D.J. is Danny's witness to the lack of sign visibility and offers to come to court with him to fight the ticket, especially if he can do it the same day as her big test. In lighter news... I guess, Danny got Joey an audition for the children's show, "Mr. Egghead." D.J. wisely questions Joey's abilities to fill the shoes of the old Mr. Egghead and doubts his knowledge of science. I'm sure this, like many other of Joey's hidden talents, will be completely glossed over. Joey begs and eventually recruits Jesse to be his musical sidekick, The Professor.
Danny preps D.J. for their court appearance and instructs her to wear all blue, because studies have proven that juries are sympathetic to the color. Um, hate to burst your legal bubble Dan-O, but they don't really summon a jury for a minor traffic infraction. Stephanie is bouncing off the walls with excitement about her upcoming week: Wednesday her class gets to visit the set of the Mr. Egghead show, Thursday is class picture day and Friday is pizza day. Hey, I'm with you Steph. That sounds like a bombass week.
And it's apparently Wednesday because here were are on "Mr. Egghead." And Walter, you remember Walter, don't you? A.K.A. "Ducklips"? Well since we last saw him, Ducklips Walter went from shy quiet dork to a loud annoying know-it-all. The topic of the day on "Mr. Egghead" is Energy. Joey, and his lack of qualifications tells us that energy is the ability to do work and can be found all around us in things like the sun, muscles and man, what a snoozefest. Joey is certainly no Bill Nye or even Beakman.
Joey points out that there's even energy in Walter who poses the question of how the speed of light is calculated in a black hole. The hell? What kind of little kid asks that shit? Dork! I might even go so far as to invoke the sacred nomenclature "Dorkus Malorkus." Joey redirects the question to the Professor who provides this excellent response: "Walter, I'm going to tell you what my Dad told me: look it up!" Ha! Zing! Man, Jesse does look 10x foxier in his spectacles.
Joey selects Stephanie to assist them in today's "egg-speriment." Walter's annoying ass informs everyone that Stephanie and Mr. Egghead live together and call shenanigans on this mess. The class begins a chant of "Fix!" which Jesse exacerbates by joining in with the musical accompaniment in the form of baseball's "Charge!" theme. Joey chastises him for "egging" them on. The machinery required for the experiment isn't working and Walter talks more shit and Jesse suggests that he show himself to the "Egg-xit." Man, I can't wait til we're done with these egg puns.
As Joey attempts to fix the energy machine, Stephanie entertains the "crowd" (as this is merely an audition and aside from her classmates, there's no audience watching) with a rousing rendition of "Tomorrow." As she's warbling, the machine springs to life and the boxing glove hurls forward catching Stephanie right in the nose. It's pretty funny, but I can't help but wish it was Michelle getting smacked in the face.
Joey and Jesse bring Stephanie home from the hospital and she just has a little bandage on her nose. Of course Stephanie laments that picture day is ruined and Joey is ridden with guilt. He tries to compensate with a plethora of gifts and Joey is shitting his pants in fear of telling Danny that he broke Stephanie's nose. Relax Joe, it's not his firstborn of his precious princess, it's his forgotten middle child. I'm sure he won't mind all that much.
Unfortunately for Joe Schmoe, Danny comes back in a less than stellar mood. While he was arguing his ticket, his car got towed. It ended up costing him $100 to beat a $30 ticket. To brighten things up, Danny asks Joey how his Mr. Egghead audition went. Joey tells him that he was fired and booed off the stage. Um, can you really be fired from an audition? It's not like you actually had the job... Joey dodges around the reasoning but naturally, UgTot is there to pipe in with, "Joey broke Steffy's nose!" Danny rushes off to check on Stephanie, and Joey follows, still trying to buy her forgiveness. She asks for a big screen television, which D.J. fully supports.
The next day is the epic class picture day and after leaving for school, Stephanie then sneaks back into the house. Michelle finds her, but since she is an easily manipulated idiot toddler, Stephanie gets her to go make her a sandwich and bring it to her upstairs. Unfortunately, stealth is not part of Ug's repertoire and Joey busts her. He follows her upstairs and finds Stephanie and allows himself to be guilted into letting her stay home. Jesse, not being the one who busted the poor child's nose, is a little tougher to crack and insists that she return to school.
He brings her to school and they are met by Joey who arrived earlier to provide the entire glass with those joke glasses with the nose and mustache attached. They take a photo with everyone wearing the glasses and then do one without. And honestly, it's just a small bandage! She doesn't even look that bad. But I mean, it IS elementary school and kids are totally callous douchebags and Stephanie's my favorite, so I'll let this whole incident slide.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
"Oh ho, there's that ketchup bottle I was looking for!" or 13 Candles (3.17)
It's 3:47 AM and D.J. is awake and counting down the seconds to 3:48. And in 3...2...1, our little Donna Joe is officially a teenager. Stephanie is also being kept awake in her bed and is less than thrilled about this milestone.
And just like that, opening credits and D.J.'s rocking 13th birthday bash is in full swing! "My Prerogative" is playing on the the boom box and man, do I love me some old school Bobby Brown. "Everybody's talking all this stuff about me/Why can't they just let me be?" Ugh, didn't Shitney Spears do a cover of that a few years back? Anyway, D.J. is anxiously awaiting the arrival of her crush Kevin Gwinn who is uber cute. That was totally the kind of guy I'd be crushing on in middle school.
Stephanie, the uber snoop, is in the kitchen and desperate to know what's going on in the party. She sends UgTot in on a recon mission to take pictures. D.J. steers her right back into the kitchen and is met with a rousing rendition of "13 Candles" by the guys. Hee. On my 16th birthday one of my tone deaf friends called and left a message on my machine of her singing "16 Candles" in her horrible scratching, warbly voice. A year later she stole my boyfriend and I now hate the bitch, but I look back on that message fondly. D.J. tells Stephanie to get a life and she boasts that she has a date with Joey to the Daffy Duck Festival and pizza. Methinks you should keep that one on the DL, Steph.
D.J. allows the family brief entry into the party to say a quick "Hi" and "Bye" to everyone. As they're being shoved back through the door into the kitchen, Stephanie turns back around and calls out "Bye Kevin!" and when he answers, triumphantly yells, "That's him!" Oof, tres embarassing. Thankfully for Deej, either Kevin's kind of dim or he likes her too, because he doesn't really react.
For some reason, Michelle is dancing in her room with an oversized stuffed Bugs Bunny. Oh... kay. Jesse comes in to be a lecherous uncle and Comet follows. He takes a momentary pause in creeping to make a brief attempt to train Comet and *YAWN* I'm over this scene.
Downstairs, Kimmy is plotting with Cathy Santoni (aka Z.Z. Ziff from "Salute Your Shorts", props to colleenn on that!) on the best way to get the painfully shy D.J. and Kevin together.
Becky is attempting to give Danny a Tango lesson for WUSF upstairs, and Danny's sucking hardcore, so Jesse steps in to show him how it's done. He kicks ass and even adds a little "Tiene mercy" which made me chuckle. Hey! Maybe Stamos should be on the next season of "Dancing with the Stars"! Or is he too good for it now that he's gotten a second wind in the form of "E.R."? Joey joins them and the guys discover that they can eavesdrop on the party through the fireplace in Danny's room. Becky tries to dissuade them, but you know how those guys love being involved to an inappropriate degree in those girls' lives.
Kimmy and Cathy came up with the most obvious and contrived way to get two young pre-teens together: Spin the Bottle! All of the guys simultaneously smack their heads on the top of the fireplace upon hearing that, and are met with a "Serves you right" courtesy of Becky.
Pardon me while I dive off on another one of my tangents that I'm sure all 5 of my readers love! Did anyone ever actually play Spin the Bottle in middle school (or ever)? Because I never did and I was just wondering if I missed out on one of the major rites of passage or was the prevalence of this game heavily exaggerated via television and movies? My lack of StB experience haunts me to this day, I actually feel like I'm kind of missing out on something. In college, I would try to jokingly suggest it as a game at parties hoping that someone else would jump on the idea so I could fulfill this great void in my life, but to no avail. I had to settle with random bar makeouts instead (Makeout Bandit!). So yeah, hit me up comment-style if you guys actually played this and I'm just a total freak who was living under a rock for most of my childhood, or was StB more of an urban legend? And if you did play it, was it totally awesome?!?
Back to the Tanner's living room where the ketchup bottle's a-spinning. Kimmy and Bitterman are the first two to pair off and despite their initial "Ew"'s, after the kiss, there's a newfound electricity between them. Man, I loved the Kimmy-Bitterman dynamic, I was a total 'shipper for them, through and through. Don't get me wrong, in the later episodes, I loved me some Duane ("...whatever."), but how sweet would it have been if they kept bringing Bitterman back through the years? Cathy then urges Kevin to go next while a saxophone version of Madonna's "Crazy for You" plays. All of the party-goers rig it so Kevin gets D.J. and as they stand face to face, nervous as hell and most likely with sweaty palms, and they move in when suddenly all of the guys barge into the room.
Danny flips the light switch back on, Joey starts tossing out peanuts and popcorn and Jesse comes in carrying cassette tapes of "Uncle J's fast dancing, no touching music." Danny snags the ketchup bottle and Jesse tries to start up some dancing claiming that the kids will "have fun fun fun til your Daddy takes the ketchup bottle away!" Kevin is obviously flustered and embarassed and might even possibly have a boner... boys start getting random pop-ups at 13, right? He books it out of there and D.J. is PISSED. She snaps at Kimmy for her stupid suggestion and yells at the guys for ruining her birthday. She storms upstairs to her room and the guys finally get that they fucked shit up. Thankfully Becky is willing to do damage control and goes up to talk to D.J.
The guys sit down at the kitchen table and realize what tools they were acting like. They reminisce about their first kisses: Jesse's was Diane van Sant and Joey and Danny simultaneously reveal that theirs was Colleen Finegan. Unfortunately it is revealed that Danny got Joey's sloppy seconds because he kissed Colleen in 8th grade and Joey had already been there, done that in 7th.
D.J. won't open the door on the first knock, so Becky calls out,"Can I have 5 bucks?" The misdirection tactic works ad D.J.'s confusion and outrage over the request leads her to open the door. They talk about first kisses and how you know it's the right time, and Becky tells the story of her first kiss: she was competing in a 3-legged race and her and her partner fell down and bumped heads and then he kissed her. Aw, that's a pretty cute story. My first kiss story is l-a-m-e. D.J. hopes that her first kiss is as awesome as Becky's. Man, I wish mine was. I'm jealous.
D.J. goes downstairs to apologize to Kimmy and the guys because even though they fucked up, their hearts were in the right place. Is there ever a time on this show when someone's heart is in the wrong place though, really? Maybe Michelle, because she was always a self-serving brat. There's a knock at the back door. The tween girl inside of me's heart skips a beat when they open the door and it's Kevin! Squee! He came back to give D.J. her birthday card that he forgot.
She walks Kevin out and casually mentions that Kimmy thinks that the two of them would make the perfect couple. Because this is a television show, Kevin awesomely and cutely replies that "She can't be wrong all the time." Aww. Young love. They kiss and aww, to be young again. When a kiss meant something and you weren't constantly competing with whores that will fuck and suck anything that moves... um, not like I know any girls like that. This episode made me uber nostalgic for that romantic innocence of yore. I hope it gave all of you those same warm fuzzy feelings when you watched.
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